Barcelona

After everything that happened on Thursday night, or Friday morning if you like, the last thing I felt like doing was going to Barcelona. Twin A convinced me that it was what I needed though and knowing I couldn’t just change my mind at the last minute; I set out to meet Helene and Robbie whom I was going with. I was half an hour late due to a few things I had to sort out and due to the fact that I almost managed to leave without my passport, but when I finally got there, we went to a lovely Italian restaurant where Robbie used to be the manager, where we ate so much we were full till late lunch next day. After a short, but good night’s sleep at Robbie’s, we jumped in the prepaid cab to the airport. We got there early which was good. I hate rushing and so does Helene. The flight was even ahead of schedule and we arrived in sunny Barcelona half an hour earlier than planned.

Last time I was in the north of Spain where there were little or no tourists, I was 8. I fell in love with it in a way I never did with the more touristy parts of the country. I was reminded why I fell for it so much as we were walking down the street to find a somewhere to have lunch. We didn’t even live in the touristy part of Barcelona, so most of the people we encountered spoke Spanish. I got to practice what little Spanish I know. During the whole trip in fact, I spoke a mix of French, Spanish and English. I even managed to get a little bit of Italian and Norwegian in there as well. There’s something about the atmosphere of Spain. Everyone seems to go about life so happily. Lay back but efficient at the same time. I like the narrow streets and the music coming out from the by passing cars and windows. We found an adorable little place serving mainly fish and seafood where we decided to stop for lunch. We had joined with the Paris team as well now, so we were five. I ordered fish of the day, which was a grilled type of fish, so nicely done it was like it melted n my mouth. The fish was accompanied by perfectly fried potatoes, or fries, and we all shared a big salad as well as bread with garlic and chopped tomato.
After the lunch, the three of us from London went home to have a quick shower before joining the Paris team at Hilton where the important dinner was going to be held. Franck, the French waiter, or dark room manager, as was his title, showed me and Robbie around the dark room. We got assigned a table each, and now we would have to wait for nearly five hours until there was worked to do. Franck was well cool, so I spent lots of time chatting to him, but it was kind of boring not having anything to do.

The staff dinner, our dinner before we were due to start work was beyond fantastic! For starters we had hams and cheeses and for the main course we had black rice with fish. It tasted a little bit like Paella. With the food we had red wine, which surprised me since at the restaurant in London; we’re not really allowed to drink before work. We only had time for a shared fruit plate and some coffee before hurrying into the dark room where the dinner was due to be served. We went over the final details once more and then it was time to take the people in. After having seated them, they first had to listen to an audio report of formula 1 before the dinner was due to start. I can’t go into why this dinner was being held and staff, because some of them might stumble across this blog and I’ve written lots of details already. Anyway, most of them were important PR people and life style journalist from all over Europe as well as the US and Japan. I sat with my customers, which I don’t do when I work in London, talking them through their experience in the dark. One of the Polish journalists was really sweet and kissed my hand every time I walked passed. Franck and I also had fun dancing to the music unseen by everyone. Unlike both the London and Paris dark restaurants where you see your waiter, or guide, before you go in, the people here had not seen us as we’d only met them when they were through the last of the three sets of curtains leading into the room. After dinner therefore, was the first time they got to see us. We conversed with them for a bit before they departed and we did a few necessary things before heading out to discover Barcelona’s night life.

We went from bar to bar, club to club. It was lively everywhere and I didn’t by a single drink because I had three French guys who were more than willing to by me some. We were talking, dancing and suddenly, I’d had enough alcohol. I told them that I needed to go home or I’d lose it completely. I had anyway, but at least I was conscious enough to do it. It was passed four anyway, but I really wish I’d not mixed or I could have stayed out even longer which some of the others did.

When I woke up the next morning, I knew that the person in the bed next to me wasn’t Helene. I figured it must be a man since we were the only women on the trip, but who the hell could it be? And why was he in my room? Had my drink been spiked? Had I done something I couldn’t remember? I knew I’d flirted a little with one of the French technicians, but as far as I was concerned I wasn’t interested in sleeping with anyone beside A. I turned over and waited till it sounded like the man was waking up. “Who is there?” I said. It took a while before his replied. Taking time to wake up. “It’s F.” F is the boss of all the events like that and he’s very cool. “Why are you sleeping here if you don’t mind me asking? What happened?” It was quiet for a bit, and then we both started laughing at the same time. The situation was so strange! “Well, Helene left with the technician,” F said. “I needed somewhere to sleep so she and I had to swap rooms for the night. You were fast asleep when I came in.” So, nothing worse then. Not that he’s ugly. Quite the opposite in fact, but it wouldn’t have made me look very decent if I’d slept with him out of pure drunkenness. His wife called at that exact moment and he explained to her what had happened. She though it was hilarious too. I didn’t have much time to get ready. We were leaving for the airport in 30 minutes, so I got up, had a quick shower and went downstairs where all the others where. F and I kept saying things like “Last night was so wonderful sweetie,” to wind the others up.

The trip back went fine, although I’ve been in better shape. I had a bit of a headache and as I may have mentioned I did spend that evening as a’s place being sick. Anyway, despite a couple of things, the trip was perfect and it was sad to get back to London.
A few other things which have been good lately are that KS and I are friends again. We haven’t spoken at all for a month and it’s good to have him back in my life. He’s heavy on his weed and I doubt whether we’ll get together again at any point, but we’re friends and that’s the good thing. I also understand now one of the reasons A exploded last week. Apparently, he went to the hospital on Monday because he felt itchy and he has this very minor STD which he said I must have given him since he hasn’t been with anyone else. I haven’t been with anyone else either, so I don’t even know if I have something. I’ve booked an appointment to get tested though, but they didn’t have anything free before the 12. Of this month. I’ve received my satnav system, so I’m gonna pull myself together and read the manuals to get started.

clean Slate

Ok, so here’s the dictionary definition of a clean slate.

clean slate, an unsullied record; a record marked by creditable conduct: to start over with a clean slate.

It can’t be that bad then? Or what? I’m so insecure. another thing which is good though is that a will probably start listening to me more. It’s a man thing I guess. You always tend to listen to your mate over your girl if the relationship’s fresher than the friendship. but maybe this clean slate is good? would like some thoughts on this.

Explainations and clarifications

I please read the previous post before this one.

“I don’t want this to end babes.” These were the last words A said to me in the long phone conversation we had just after I finished working for the evening in Barcelona. It had been a long and hard conversation, but nothing was by no means clear yet. I couldn’t be all open and honest in the middle of a crowd at Hilton, but I said I’d come see him the next day when I came back to London. I felt horrible when I came in the door to my flat. I’d had a very good and amusing night the night before, and I was paying for it. I needed a shower, some food and I wanted to finish listening to the audio letter Mad had sent me. The last few words he’d said had given me a positive boost about the coming conversation, but I was feeling nervous as well. At 8.30 half an hour before I’d decided it was time to go see him, he text me asking if he could come down for a short while. Everything was explained. He’d heard things from Twin A suggesting I was flirty and a little bit slutty at work. I don’t know whether Twin A actually said those words, but what I think it was, was that he twisted it in such a way that A would pick up on it that way. He’d also heard from him that I was planning to announce the relationship at my birthday party, something I hadn’t planned at all. That’s why he hadn’t showed up. Because he’d heard these things, he’d said to Twin A about me that I was nothing but sex to him. To be fair, that’s how it started with both of us, but eventually feelings developed. He said he did have feelings for me, which I actually believe. Had it been just sex, he wouldn’t insist on not having sex a couple of the times we met. He also explained that Nadz, a mutual friend of hours had said something on the night when they chilled in her flat to wait to go to TG’s party. She’d told A he was naive. Naturally, A had thought I had made him the laughing stock at work because I slept with Twin A behind his back. However, what he concluded later was that she’d probably meant that Twin A was twisting the truth a little. The two of them are really clothes, and therefore, she knows him really well.

The whole talk really is very confusing to write down in detail, but we both came clean with what had been said and done, came to the conclusion that the underlying issue in our relationship had been that people had always, for some reason interfered. “At this point in time, I think the best thing we can do is to have a clean slate, not a clean break.” he said to me. “Do you hope we can get back together again?” I asked knowing it sounded childish, but I needed and still need reassurance. “Who knows,” he said. “But you want to right?” “Yeah, I hope we can build something up and be happy with no interference.” During the conversation, I had been sick twice from a terrible headache I’d had. I was feeling numb and tired. I leaned my head against his shoulder. “I’m gonna miss making love to you,” I said taking in the smell of him. The smell I like so much. Incense mixed with aftershave and hair products. He leaned his head on top of mine. “Oh no,” he said with a whisper. We put our arms around each other and sat like that for a long time. It felt so good holding each other. “So, why can’t you use me, just use me for sex?” I asked when we broke apart. “No, not now. I could a couple of months ago, but not now.” “And, not that I have the right to control you, but other women?” “I’ll not tell you unless you hear something and ask me. Then I’ll tell the truth,” he said. “But as the real gentleman I am, I’ll walk you home.” In my doorway we hugged again for a long time. “I’m gonna pray that one day…” I said. “Yeah,” He kissed my hand and I kissed his before he left me alone.

I guess being a woman in love; I’m reading so much more into the conversation than it really was. I mean, if I’m trying to be straight and sensible about this whole thing, we’re friends now and because we both have feelings for each other, it might go back one day to the way it was. We have agreed to try spending a lot of time together, do things so we get all nice and relaxed about each other. I just can’t bare the thought of another woman holding him, making love to him and him doing it to someone else! But I don’t own him. I just pray to God: Please God, make this work. Make this work in the foreseeable future! And it is a prayer I will keep repeating until I get an answer and some certainty one way or another. It pains me that I passed on information to twin A that A had told me about him such as the horrible internet porn thing, and I want nothing more than for A to trust me again. I wanna try building the trust up. And what is a slate? What does that mean? Please someone with better knowledge of English tell me what it means. Does is mean no more? So many unanswered questions. With regards to my job, I don’t know, maybe I should quit the restaurant. There has been too much slander going on about me that I feel comfortable working there, but then I don’t know. Twin A, as I said to A last night, I think the smartest thing I can do is to remain friends with him. I’m not gonna be close to him though. Not open up about my personal life. The two boys are no longer friends. The damage has been too big.

I love you A!

Betrayed!!!!

I don’t even know to begin. I don’t know whether I’m able to write anything sounding like words and sentences at the moment. I’m so angry!! Angrier than I’ve ever been and hopefully will ever be in my entire life. All I wanna do is break everything breakable I possibly have in my flat, harm myself, I don’t fucking care! I need to do something soon or I’ll explode!!!!!!!!

The whole story began on Thursday night. I came home from a shift at work and Twin A had been working with me. I was happy and I was looking forward to seeing A as was planned. I’d built up quite a lot of frustrated feelings over the passed couple of weeks, so when A didn’t answer his phone I got mad. I texted Twin A in frustration since I knew he was awake and explained how I felt. “Go knock on his door,” he replied. I did, but very softly so that I shouldn’t make him grumpy if I woke him up. It was 2 in the morning after all. I called twin A as soon as I got back when I heard no answer. Something in my mind just….. Well, I don’t know I couldn’t see anything clearly and although I’ve said things like, I wanna kill myself in this blog before when I split `up with M, I got this rage over me that I though, I’m gonna do it. I told Twin A what I was up to he came around immediately to take my tablets. He stayed for a while to calm me down. I was fuming, crying calling everyone all sorts of names. Then, when I finally was calm enough to ask him to leave, my doorbell rings and there is A. I opened feeling panicked. Panicked from what I’d just been through emotionally and also guilty because Twin A was in my flat and A thought I cheated on him behind his back. Nothing had happened with me and Twin A still, I just felt guilty. As soon as A saw who was sitting in my living room he said coldly, “You’ve got visitors, that’s cool,” and ran off. Twin A ran after him. I was in shock and stood paralysed on the floor. Then I remembered that I had a very sharp knife in my drawer. Excellent for cutting meat and vegetables with. If A wouldn’t listen, I would simply get it over with my cutting my own throat. I went outside and heard the two guys arguing before A said some final words I couldn’t hear and was gone. Twin A came back, found me with the knife and we had a physical fight which ended in him taking the knife from me, putting it down and carrying me back to my living room where he got me to lay down on the floor. After having laid there for a while he sat and talked to me, telling me all sorts of reasons why I should still be alive, my doorbell rang again and it as A. Him and twin a started to have a fight in my hall and A came in to look for some papers he had lost. I must keep repeating to A that “I never fucked Twin A I don’t fancy him!” “Of course you aint,” he replied sarcastically. Before storming out, he said: 2Don’t worry, I won’t begging around gossiping about you to anyone, how you jump from KS to me to Twin A!”

After that, I had such a bad headache and I felt feverish all over. Twin A made me a cup of mint tea while I got ready for bed. I drank it while he told me all sorts of stuff about A, how nasty he really was, how he used me for sex and a lot more. I cried and cried and cried while he spoke and wrapped the duvet tighter around me. Had I been wrong all along? Was Twin A really the good guy and A the bad one? I told Twin a how I was sorry I avoided him, but I’d heard him and Twin B had a gay relationship together and that they were 20 years older than they pretended to be. I also told him I knew about the sick porn on his computer. He assured me that the age thing was a lay. A didn’t even say that about the age thing. That was fucking TG who I probably will have as little to do with as possible from now on. He said to me that A was the porn freak not him, he just downloaded it for a friend. I knew he was lying about that, but about the age thing, he’s gonna give me his birth certificate so I can get a trusted sighted friend to read it to me. I don’t know though, it could be false. I’ve got no idea how to find this out though. Twin A was gonna sit there until I fell asleep in case I damaged myself from pure anger and shock. 6 AM however, I heard A’s footsteps and then the ringing of my doorbell. From his last visit till then, I heard him walking passed many times. I also made sure to speak loud and clear so that he didn’t think we were having sex, twin A and I. “I’ve come passed here all night and I hoped to catch you by yourself so that we could talk,” he said. “But you know what? He’s still here, so that means you have all the comfort and company you want right now.” Twin A came out and they started to fight again. Louder this time. A tore the sheet he’d hung in front of my window in my door away and went in to look for a DVD he’d forgotten I’d given him back last week. I only remembers bits and pieces of what was said, so I can’t make a constructive account of the fight, but it involved A saying that had Twin A swear that he had never slept with me and that he had lots of personalities and that he was a fake bastard and that he’d heard a lot of our conversation to which I replied that I hoped he had and that I had managed to prove I didn’t sleep with Twin A.

The rest of the day was all text messages and angry exchanges between every party involved. It doesn’t end here though, but I don’t have more energy to write it all now, so I’ll take a break and write later tonight. A explained everything to me when I got back from Barcelona which was a hilarious trip I’ll write about as well. I am angry but I understand a few things now that I didn’t earlier.

releasing anger

I’ve noticed lately that most of the time; I walk around feeling angry or sad. It’s not that the good mood don’t come to the surface. When I am with good friends having a good time, I am all happy and smiling. But the anger doesn’t go. It’s lying at the bottom of my chest like a piece of chewing gum that’s stuck to a surface and almost impossible to rub off. I think the main source of my angry feelings is me. I almost feel as I’ve let myself down. I keep telling myself that I have to stop being so freaking stupid all the time. Firstly, it’s my love life. I can say with my hand on my heart that I’ve only loved two guys. M was the first one and now, I am really close to, or have already started loving A. I just wish I didn’t. A said himself that I’d met him at a bad time. He’s got a lot to deal with at the moment that I’m not gonna go through here, but I understand that giving himself over to a relationship is hard at this point in time. He said to me on Friday that if I met someone else, he would not be happy, but he would back me understanding how frustrated I felt about things not being rosy red and perfect. In a way, it might to be so bad that things are a little rocky at the moment because I might appreciate it more when things are going steady. It’s just little frustrating though. I’ve been sitting at home a lot lately. It’s not that I can’t go out, but I don’t really have anything I need done and walking around London is very energy consuming when you have to ask people for direction. I can’t wait to get my GPS because I believe it will improve my freedom a little in that sense enabling me to go more places I wouldn’t go without it. I’ve spent two days with Twin A. Nothing intimate, but when he went out to walk his dog, I joined since I wanted walk in the lovely spring weather and some company. It makes me angry that I feel guilty about going for walks with Twin A. What if A sees us and get mad at me? I am getting paranoid. Fuck him if he doesn’t accept me going for a walk with another guy. Well, the only problem being, the guy he thought I was seeing behind his back. I feel guilty every time I talk to Twin A on the phone and that makes me angry, cause I don’t have anything to feel guilty about!! Why am I falling in love with A? Why now? Answer: Because I think he’s a wonderful guy and I can’t get enough of him. He’s got a great personality. I discover new exciting things about him every time we talk and he’s a good lover. I need him, if that makes sense. And then, I feel sad because I’m angry because I want to be all happy and not think so much. Be able to go for a walk with Twin A when A isn’t there and Twin A offers to take me out. That A would completely trust me not to do anything. That I could stop being paranoid! That I can stop feeling guilty talking to or walking with a guy, who might or might not have gay sex with his best friend, might or might not be 40 instead of 23 and that I haven’t even had a remote sexual fantasy about. If only I could spend a little bit more time with A. I know that would help me feeling better!

I’m off to Harrods now with Prince and his mum. I’m really looking forward to that. I’ve dressed nicely so as to try and fit in with the rich Arabs and other people going in there. I know Harrods is a rip off, but I wonder if I’ll end up buying anything.

Centre of atention

I had my first kiss when I was 18. Before that, I went around feeling sorry for myself and cursing all my friends who had kissed and even had sex with guys. I was especially mad with my sister for some reason. Well, she is 5 years younger than me and she’d already kissed some one. What was wrong with me? I often blamed it to the fact that people backed away from a blind girl thinking they had to take so much care of me when they were going out with me. Mum often said to me that as a disabled girl, I wasn’t very much desired as a girlfriend and that I would just have to wait. Not a very uplifting message from mother to daughter if you ask me. Mum2 was more positive as were my friends and gave me a lot of encouragement… And it was indeed on a trip to Brussels for a youth hearing in the EU parliament where I’d brought my mum2 with me I got my first boyfriend. Fair enough, he treated me bad, but it changed my confidence and also my luck with other guys. In this passed week, I’ve been asked out by three different guys. One of them is one of the cooks in the restaurant. He’s South-African and I don’t believe for a second that he’s single. Ok, he didn’t just ask med out last week. Being a (good man) he moves one step at the time. First he was going to take his future wife, meaning me, home to his family in Soweto, Johannesburg. “They’ll love you and you’ll love them and Soweto,” he said. The second encounter was rather embarrassing. He was wearing a coat made from a similar material to TG. Thinking it was TG coming over to give me a hug and how we have a habit of pretending we are having a secret lesbian relationship, I snuggled up saying, “Hey babes”. Discovering it was KG though, was very embarrassing!!! If nothing else, it makes a hilarious story. A prime example of blind failures. Friday, he grabbed my thighs during staff food which I wasn’t all that impressed about and I let him know. “Have you missed me,” he whispered tenderly leaning across the table. Me, being sarcastic and also in a very hormonal state due to my upcoming period, answered “Oh, I’ve cried every night.” He not understanding the sarcasm said, “You could have called me.” Then, there is this other guy working in the restaurant. A Sri Lankan, who’s too fat for my liking and too desperate as is sleazy Robbie, the Italian guy I’ve wrote about before who didn’t have the nerve to ask me himself. He got TG to do it. I have very little respect for men who can’t ask women themselves. Had Robbie had the nerve to ask me, I probably would have been a little nice saying that I respected him, but no thanks. As it happened though I laughed in TG’s face saying I wouldn’t date him for a million years. Poor guy. It’s not that I don’t appreciate it, but it’s just a little bit annoying that the guys can’t keep their hands to themselves. Robbie for example, had to grope me and kiss my neck before he asked TG to ask me out. Of course I told him to fuck off.

A slight correction. TG does not live with her hunny muffin. I’m still not happy though, because she got a flat in a block that I’ve been on a waiting list for ages. She had her flat warming party on Saturday. I didn’t wanna go to be honest, but a said that he fancied going, so I thought I should give it a go. We went after work, TG, Hunny muffin, and a few others from work including sincerely yours. Because of bad bus connections in the middle of the night, and being London, a lot of traffic, we didn’t get there till half two in the morning, but it was a merry party. I got home escorted by A, at about 6 AM and went to bed with period pains half an hour later.

Today, I had a friend over who works for a technology company. I am going to get myself a sat nav system, which will enable me to go more places by myself. I can’t wait! I’m also getting a digital talking book player, or Daisy player which I can put books and music on. I received my digital recorder a week ago, so I’m starting to get a good collection of gadgets!

Some good sex and a meal to remember

After having tried to reach A for a few days and not managing, I decided to go to his house bringing a DVD he lent me so that I could see for myself whether he was home. It shouldn’t be a big deal to go to someone’s house, but I am a person who like to phone first to make sure the person I wanna see is home, but after having showered and dressed up for the twins birthday dinner, I thought, “fuck this” and went to ring his doorbell. I was wearing a short denim skirt, a black low cut top, high heals and some jewellery mum’s friend in Malaysia makes. My hair was newly washed, I was wearing make-up and I felt good. He opened the door and seeing me put his arms around me and held me for along time. Since he was wearing a coat, I presumed he’d just came in which was right. “You’ve just been so hard to get hold of,” I said angrily my head berried into his shoulder. “I’m really sorry babes,” he said and took me in to his living room where I sat down on the couch. If I should make the party on time, I really had to go. Public transport can be such a pain like that. It can take ages to get anywhere, especially in London. “You look beautiful though,” he said sitting down next to me. “As you always do.” He chatted about what he’d done for the passed few days with family arrangements etc. “It’s ok,” I said always afraid to be a pain, a nag or a burden to anyone. “No, my girl’s been very lonely and she’s missed me, that’s not ok” I just felt like crying. I’ll be getting my period any day now and just before I get it, I get so emotional with hormones anything could probably make me cry.

After some small talk, he picked me up from the couch and carried me to his bed where he put me down gently. “It’s been too long,” he said lying down on top of me. “I’m gonna ruined your make-up now though.” “And I’m gonna have to take a cab,” I laughed. “Or maybe, I can make you go nowhere tonight,” he said and kissed me passionately. After the kiss, he got up and stood watching me. “Can I rape you?” he asked. “Please,” I replied as he started taking my skirt off. My tights and knickers went off too before he quickly undressed and laid on top of me. “You have the honour,” he said. He was rock hard as I rubbed him against me. I was starting to feel wet now, but since it had been long, it took a little pushing before he was in. What amazes me so much about making love to A is the way our bodies just seem to be made for each other. We fit together perfectly.

He started off gently as we held on to each other whispering in each others ears how much we’d missed each other. “I have to make sure you don’t get al sweaty before you go out,” he said and broke away from me to open a window. It felt almost painful in the few seconds he was away and coming back, I wrapped my legs around his shoulders as he got rough on me. “I could fuck you and make love to you for hours,” he whispered. Just before I was about to come, he stopped and told me to get on me knees. He fucked me from behind, his cock rubbing my g-spot to the point where I couldn’t help screaming. I came as he grabbed my breasts and squeezed them hard and bit my shoulder. “On your back girly,” he said and slid out of me. Lying back down, he held my write leg up wile the left one was resting on the bed. I think it was because I had to go for the meal soon that he sped up, and started riding me big time. It didn’t take him long to come in gasps clinging to me. He stayed inside me for a while, the way I like it after an orgasm.” I’m almost knocked out now having not had this for nearly three weeks,” he said laughing.

It was only half an hour till I was supposed to be at London’s west end for the meal and A called me a cab as I combed my hair with my fingers and freshened up my make-up. I only got to the Chinese restaurant 15 minutes late and the family were still waiting for our table. Prince’s brother gave me a cup of Sake, Japanese rice wine which I sipped before we went in. The food was delicious. We ordered many dishes. First there were fried crab, then shrimps, then dumplings, then Peking duck and finally lobster with noodles. I got really full which always seem to happen in Chinese restaurant. I had hoped for some more action with A that night, but the poor guy was asleep when I got home. I’m off to work now and I hope and pray that A won’t be that hard to get hold of when I come back. I need some more of that loving and I’m getting my period on Sunday I think which means another few days of no sex! Besides, I’m going nowhere in the morning, so I’ve got all night.

Le Petit Prince

Yesterday my Friend Le Petit Prince arrived in London. I’ll call him Prince for short. Basically, he’s a very very very rich Egyptian little bloke. I’m not friends with him because of his money, but his family is so rich I honestly don’t think I’ve met any richer in person. Prince is blind like me, but I think he’s got some kind of mental disability. I’m not quite sure, but he seem to have some very moderate autistic tendenses, such as he get hung up on minor things like, a certain time to meet up is getting moved by an hour and so on. If you have a bad day for some minor reasons, like you over slept and got late for a lecture and it was pooring outside, you can trust him to come and ask you three weeks later if you are feeling ok after the bad day. He’s cool though and it’s not like you are talking to a child when you speak to him, but he’ll always need a bit of extra help and care. We all love him to bits though. I got to know him through my ex Dazzler, cause they went to the same school. So Me, Shark, his girlfriend Jayne and my ex Dazzler set out to meet them in Prince’s brother’s apartment not so far from Harrods. Prince’s twinbrother has come out with no disability and he’s quite hot. It was great to see the whole family. For some reason, their parents have taken a shine to me. We had drinks and finger food. Mini bagels, saussage roles, falafel with humus, duck pate, crisps and much more. It was quite chilled and we were just catching up. The parents invited me t join the twins birthday dinner tonight. It’s their 25th, and I’m looking forward to joining them. It was weird to see Dazzler. He’s a nice guy and good looking, but it’s funny how, when you see your ex you wonder what on earth attracted you to them in the first place.

I realise I’m not writing very well at the moment. I’m just impatient and depressed because I’m so bored!!!! Also, I haven’t seen A much lately which is not making things better. God I hate fucking TG and her hunny muffin living together. Not that I wish to do the same after two months of going out as that would probably end up in disaster, but TG, that twofaced bitch! why her? I’m certainly not happy for them. I just realised how childish that sounded, but I’m not deleting it so that I can remind myself what I am like when I’m in a bad mood.

Just a little announcement

Most of you guys probably can’t be bothered with this, but I need to write that TG sent me a text today announcing she’s moved in with her hunny muffin! They’ve only been going out for 2 months, but I wish them fucking good luck! GRRRRR

Restless

I’m getting very restless and impatient. I was over the moon a couple of weeks ago when I was told I’d been headhunted for this internship, but nothing’s happening. Not that I expected to start work the very next day or week, but if I at least knew when I was going to start, it would make it easier to wait. I’m also sick of my current situation. Being home most days writing articles for magazines which brings good money and also is a lot of fun and working in the restaurant. I hate sitting in all day. I like getting up in the morning feeling like I’m going somewhere. Like I’m needed. And as for the restaurant, well, I love it really. It’s only a part time job though and people are just a little too close for my liking. Take TG for example, I really can’t stand being around that girl knowing she bitches about me and everybody else too for that matter, behind their back. She’s just so sad and fucking shallow when it comes to other people. Then there’s twin A and B which I don’t know how to take really. I’m ok with them as long as I keep the conversation on a light level and don’t think too much, but then it’s knowing that Twin A supposedly has a thing for me and that I have to be careful who I talk to and what I say so that someone isn’t gonna go back to A and give him the impression Twin A and I are secret lovers. KS works there too of course, which is fine really except from the fact that he, understandably hates me so much that if I come physically near him, like if he guides me from the tube station, he’s just gonna leave me in the street. That’s at least what he says. I also feel guilty because he’s drinking a bottle of brandy a day, a small one, but still. I just need to get away from the circle I’m in right now. I believe that’s gonna make me tolerate everyone much more. Oh, and I almost for got Rob, an elderly Italian who always wants to hug me, which I find very annoying and this other guy who works in the restaurant too who keeps asking me out because he desperately wants a girlfriend.

I hate being all negative, so there are lots of positive things going on in my life too. This weekend for instance, was nice although quiet. Ant came around Saturday to take some final photos and I made Fajitas. As usual, we had a good time chatting and listening to music while the pictures were taken which made me forget that that was what we were doing. Sunday, I went to this health food shop in Fulham with A. He’s on his detox and is trying to drag me along with him. Well, not really, but I do love my healthy food, wheat free pasta, serials and trying out dairy free milk etc. It’s a pity health food is so expensive. Everyone should eat it, but most people can’t afford it. I spent quite a lot of money on three full bags, but then, its food that lasts for a while and my body will thank me. I’ve also spent some quality time with A lately. We’re both getting a little needy for physical love now I think, but it’s quite nice to be with each other just talking, lying on the bed hugging while watching a DVD and go shopping. I’m also going to Barcelona in a couple of weeks for work reasons. There’s gonna be a whiskey tasting followed by a dinner in the dark for 18 people at the Hilton hotel. Two waiters from London and one from the Paris branch of the restaurant are going and we’ll be paid £20 and hour working for four hours. Travel and hotel will also be covered. I don’t know whether I’ll get to see much of the town, but I really hope so!

I’ll leave you with this joke that just got emailed to me. I find some of it funny.

BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re -attaches it. (But that part will never work again.)

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: You’re 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.

SPRINT VIRUS: Every three minutes, you hear a pin drop out of your machine.

YUGOSLAVIA VIRUS: Almost immediately fragments into several autonomous parts. Then it violently tries to reassemble itself for the next 150 years.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack—once if by LAN, twice if by C :>.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a “virus”, but instead refers to itself as an “electronic micro-organism.”

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won’t allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counsellor
About possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colourizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Goes into your spellchecker and updates the word “Potato”

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the
Most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.)

TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints “Oh no you don’t” whenever you choose “Abort” from the “Abort” “Retry” “Fail” message.

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Tries to have you removed as the rightful owner of the computer, even though everybody else wants you to be the owner.

AIRLINE VIRUS: You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.

SEARS VIRUS: Your data won’t appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes
it purchases through Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, “Read my docs….No new files!” on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive
with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.

CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.

LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in “self defence”.

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.

ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS: Claims that if you don’t send it a million dollars, it’s programmer will take it back.