More emails exchanged with Bee and I and phone call with M

As you probably gathered from my rather manic prayer post, I felt really bad after the whole thing with the emails from Bee. I felt rotten and I was again reminded of what I had done to destroy the life of such a lovely girl. I was so angry with myself in fact that on the way to church that evening, I text M telling him how I thought he had betrayed me in all this mess.

I heard nothing until late that evening. I had come home and I felt slightly better. KS, K and I were over at Tg’s for dinner when a text popped into my phone inbox. It was from M and read: “Will a phonecall help? MX” I was very eager to get the mattter dealt with as quickly as possible, so I excused myself, ran over to my flat and replyed to M that he could call my landline if he liked. In the meantime, I checked my emails and got this one from Bee.

Hi

Thanks for your response. It helped to write to you and it helped to get
your email. I respect you for giving me your point of view and
acknowledging your part in it too.

I don’t think there is much else that would be helpful for me to say at
the moment. Obviously there are 3 of us in this story and each of us has
a different point of view about our roles and actions and the
consequences. M and I have gone round in circles countless times
about what everyone said and did, and although it helps to some extent, at
the end of the day it doesn’t really change anything. I do think it was
important for you and I to communicate though, as I said in my first
message. I’m sure some of it was hard for you to read and I’m glad you
felt able to respond to me.

All 3 of us have obviously learned a lot about ourselves and others in
this situation and maybe we can somehow use this knowledge in the future.
I wish I didn’t have to go through it, but hopefully I can now move
towards accepting it.

A fairly nice email I reckon, at least compared to the other one. But before I had time to reflect any further, my phone rang and there he was at the other end of the receiver. I hadn’t heard his voice for three months. Not since that fatal night in November he confirmed to me that it was all over and that he couldn’t be with me. It was awkward at first. and I just wanted to be there taking it all in. It was so strange to hear him speak to me again. I could sense it was awkward for him as well. So I did my best to move the conversation on from, “So, how’s it going then?” in the most cheerful way I could manage.. He said that he was sorry that he had ignored my emails back then and that he had now started to realise that he had to get back in touch with me. This was also partly because my best boy friend, Shark, who knows M reasonably well too, had been mentioning me to him. “When I got the text today, I couldn’t ignore you any longer”, he said.

We talked for quite a while about everything. I told him about KS and he seemed happy for me. He told me that Bee had a new guy too, but that he had along way to go before he would find somebody else. “I’ve met so many wonderful women, and I’ve just fucked them all up,” he said laughing slightly bitterly. He also asked me if there was anything he could do to make up for what he had done or to improve my life. I said that he had done the best thing he could have done. Not ignoring me again, but picking up the phone and called me. I knew it was hard for him and I admire him for doing it. Actually, I am over him now. Ok, I still love him, but in a different way and I still think the months with him were beyond magical, but I’ve moved on now. I’ve found someone else with whom I can hopefully spend much much much more time and whom I won’t lose in the same way.

I felt drained after hanging up with M, but even though all I wanted was to curl up in bed with a book, I sat down and wrote this email to Bee.

Hi,

Yeah, awful to read alright, but probably what I deserved to hear.

Just had a long conversation with M who has been ignoring me for a
while, which felt good. I basically said to him that a lot of damage has
been done and I am not happy about what all three have been going through,
but that it is time to move on.

We didn’t talk much about you as such, but you were mentioned in coonection
with everything and I understand from him that you seem to be getting on
fine which I’m happyabout. I don’t mean to sound like a hypocrit.

Anyway, best of luck witheverything that’s going on in your life, uni work,
friends etc.

Take care!

Tags: Bee, Church, K, KS, M, TG