releasing anger

I’ve noticed lately that most of the time; I walk around feeling angry or sad. It’s not that the good mood don’t come to the surface. When I am with good friends having a good time, I am all happy and smiling. But the anger doesn’t go. It’s lying at the bottom of my chest like a piece of chewing gum that’s stuck to a surface and almost impossible to rub off. I think the main source of my angry feelings is me. I almost feel as I’ve let myself down. I keep telling myself that I have to stop being so freaking stupid all the time. Firstly, it’s my love life. I can say with my hand on my heart that I’ve only loved two guys. M was the first one and now, I am really close to, or have already started loving A. I just wish I didn’t. A said himself that I’d met him at a bad time. He’s got a lot to deal with at the moment that I’m not gonna go through here, but I understand that giving himself over to a relationship is hard at this point in time. He said to me on Friday that if I met someone else, he would not be happy, but he would back me understanding how frustrated I felt about things not being rosy red and perfect. In a way, it might to be so bad that things are a little rocky at the moment because I might appreciate it more when things are going steady. It’s just little frustrating though. I’ve been sitting at home a lot lately. It’s not that I can’t go out, but I don’t really have anything I need done and walking around London is very energy consuming when you have to ask people for direction. I can’t wait to get my GPS because I believe it will improve my freedom a little in that sense enabling me to go more places I wouldn’t go without it. I’ve spent two days with Twin A. Nothing intimate, but when he went out to walk his dog, I joined since I wanted walk in the lovely spring weather and some company. It makes me angry that I feel guilty about going for walks with Twin A. What if A sees us and get mad at me? I am getting paranoid. Fuck him if he doesn’t accept me going for a walk with another guy. Well, the only problem being, the guy he thought I was seeing behind his back. I feel guilty every time I talk to Twin A on the phone and that makes me angry, cause I don’t have anything to feel guilty about!! Why am I falling in love with A? Why now? Answer: Because I think he’s a wonderful guy and I can’t get enough of him. He’s got a great personality. I discover new exciting things about him every time we talk and he’s a good lover. I need him, if that makes sense. And then, I feel sad because I’m angry because I want to be all happy and not think so much. Be able to go for a walk with Twin A when A isn’t there and Twin A offers to take me out. That A would completely trust me not to do anything. That I could stop being paranoid! That I can stop feeling guilty talking to or walking with a guy, who might or might not have gay sex with his best friend, might or might not be 40 instead of 23 and that I haven’t even had a remote sexual fantasy about. If only I could spend a little bit more time with A. I know that would help me feeling better!

I’m off to Harrods now with Prince and his mum. I’m really looking forward to that. I’ve dressed nicely so as to try and fit in with the rich Arabs and other people going in there. I know Harrods is a rip off, but I wonder if I’ll end up buying anything.

Tags: A, Harrods, Prince, Rich Arabs, Twin A