I would like to discuss a quite serious topic I’ve been thinking about lots lately. Rape. It’s in my opinion the worst crime someone can commit. For the victim, it’s definitely worse than murder since the victim has to live with what happened the rest of her life. I had a long conversation with Joy on Sunday about rape. She told me how she was being raped by a guy two or three times a day everyday for, I think a week and how that destroyed her good spirits and confidence. I don’t blame her. Our conclusion was that a lot of girls and women get raped at least once in their life. However, not everyone recognize the assault as rape at the time. Take me for example. The first time A and I had sex, it was rape. He got me drunk and then used that to get into my knickers. I did think about it as rape at the time, or I was at least pretty sure it was, but what made me stop doing something about it was because: 1. I started liking it. My body did. All the time it was going on, I kept thinking how bad and wrong the whole thing was. 2. I carried on seeing him. Now, that’s something I don’t understand till this day. How and why on earth did I do that? Fear enough, I learned a valuable lesson from it, but at the same time, he diminished me and made me feel shit most of the time. Especially since I was only some sort of social experiment to him. What is it like having sex with a blind girl kind of thing. And he raped me again. I never wrote about that here, because I felt too bad about it at the time. The whole, (it was my entire fault) feeling. After having thought about it on an d off though, I do realise that it wasn’t my fault, but I’ll come back to the guilt aspect of rape later. This rape did not feel good and if I wanted to, I could turn him in for that, but too much time has passed. It happened as I was going out to meet some friends. I had dressed up and felt good, but before I go, I had to deliver his DVD back. I sat down for about five minutes before he picked me up, put me on the bed and raped me. It hurt and it destroyed my insides so badly I was bleeding and spent the night out in pain. In fact, the first time I had sex after the rape, (I do hate that word) it did hurt when it started getting rough because it hadn’t quite healed, or maybe it had, but it was some mental thing in my head. It didn’t take long at all though for my body to properly enjoy and not hurt from sex after that time though.
Then, the guilt aspect. Both Joy and I agreed that walking around feeling guilty about being raped is unnecessary although we don’t blame anyone for doing so. It’s easy to think, /well, if I didn’t wear this or say that it would never happen. I provoked him to do it and I only got what I deserve. I reckon most guys who perform such a degrading act on girls do it because they feel rubbish in some way and they hate how the girl is successful, popular, has a better job or something equally lame. They need to show themselves that they’ve still got some power. That they’re superior in some way. At least those are my theories, but people might disagree. In A’s case I can understand him. Not the fact that he raped me, but why he perhaps need to feel superior. 35 and currently unemployed. I guess partly by choice and he’s had to delay his college studies. If that was me at 35 as well as not being able to form a relationship because I treated women like sex toys I would feel pretty rubbish too. I know it’s not only me he treats like that because mutual friends have told me so without really knowing how he treats me. In Joy’s case, the man was a complete bastard. That’s all I can say from not knowing him or reason why he might have been raping her. So guilt is not a feeling girls should have after rape. Easy to say, but not so easy to practice.
The worst rape case I’ve come across in my circle of friends was that of my soul sister and best friend Mad. She was on drugs for a while and once she had taken something which left her in a very immobile state, yet she was still conscious. She was gang raped by three guys who were supposed to be her friends. Luckily she has no feeling of guilt and responsibility for that.
I have no sympathy or understanding with rapists whatsoever. I think they’re just disgusting and selfish!
Tags: Anger, careers, dad, dad2, diminishing, Drugs, gang rape, guilt, job hunt, provooking, rape, sex, superiority, Worries
