Explainations and clarifications

I please read the previous post before this one.

“I don’t want this to end babes.” These were the last words A said to me in the long phone conversation we had just after I finished working for the evening in Barcelona. It had been a long and hard conversation, but nothing was by no means clear yet. I couldn’t be all open and honest in the middle of a crowd at Hilton, but I said I’d come see him the next day when I came back to London. I felt horrible when I came in the door to my flat. I’d had a very good and amusing night the night before, and I was paying for it. I needed a shower, some food and I wanted to finish listening to the audio letter Mad had sent me. The last few words he’d said had given me a positive boost about the coming conversation, but I was feeling nervous as well. At 8.30 half an hour before I’d decided it was time to go see him, he text me asking if he could come down for a short while. Everything was explained. He’d heard things from Twin A suggesting I was flirty and a little bit slutty at work. I don’t know whether Twin A actually said those words, but what I think it was, was that he twisted it in such a way that A would pick up on it that way. He’d also heard from him that I was planning to announce the relationship at my birthday party, something I hadn’t planned at all. That’s why he hadn’t showed up. Because he’d heard these things, he’d said to Twin A about me that I was nothing but sex to him. To be fair, that’s how it started with both of us, but eventually feelings developed. He said he did have feelings for me, which I actually believe. Had it been just sex, he wouldn’t insist on not having sex a couple of the times we met. He also explained that Nadz, a mutual friend of hours had said something on the night when they chilled in her flat to wait to go to TG’s party. She’d told A he was naive. Naturally, A had thought I had made him the laughing stock at work because I slept with Twin A behind his back. However, what he concluded later was that she’d probably meant that Twin A was twisting the truth a little. The two of them are really clothes, and therefore, she knows him really well.

The whole talk really is very confusing to write down in detail, but we both came clean with what had been said and done, came to the conclusion that the underlying issue in our relationship had been that people had always, for some reason interfered. “At this point in time, I think the best thing we can do is to have a clean slate, not a clean break.” he said to me. “Do you hope we can get back together again?” I asked knowing it sounded childish, but I needed and still need reassurance. “Who knows,” he said. “But you want to right?” “Yeah, I hope we can build something up and be happy with no interference.” During the conversation, I had been sick twice from a terrible headache I’d had. I was feeling numb and tired. I leaned my head against his shoulder. “I’m gonna miss making love to you,” I said taking in the smell of him. The smell I like so much. Incense mixed with aftershave and hair products. He leaned his head on top of mine. “Oh no,” he said with a whisper. We put our arms around each other and sat like that for a long time. It felt so good holding each other. “So, why can’t you use me, just use me for sex?” I asked when we broke apart. “No, not now. I could a couple of months ago, but not now.” “And, not that I have the right to control you, but other women?” “I’ll not tell you unless you hear something and ask me. Then I’ll tell the truth,” he said. “But as the real gentleman I am, I’ll walk you home.” In my doorway we hugged again for a long time. “I’m gonna pray that one day…” I said. “Yeah,” He kissed my hand and I kissed his before he left me alone.

I guess being a woman in love; I’m reading so much more into the conversation than it really was. I mean, if I’m trying to be straight and sensible about this whole thing, we’re friends now and because we both have feelings for each other, it might go back one day to the way it was. We have agreed to try spending a lot of time together, do things so we get all nice and relaxed about each other. I just can’t bare the thought of another woman holding him, making love to him and him doing it to someone else! But I don’t own him. I just pray to God: Please God, make this work. Make this work in the foreseeable future! And it is a prayer I will keep repeating until I get an answer and some certainty one way or another. It pains me that I passed on information to twin A that A had told me about him such as the horrible internet porn thing, and I want nothing more than for A to trust me again. I wanna try building the trust up. And what is a slate? What does that mean? Please someone with better knowledge of English tell me what it means. Does is mean no more? So many unanswered questions. With regards to my job, I don’t know, maybe I should quit the restaurant. There has been too much slander going on about me that I feel comfortable working there, but then I don’t know. Twin A, as I said to A last night, I think the smartest thing I can do is to remain friends with him. I’m not gonna be close to him though. Not open up about my personal life. The two boys are no longer friends. The damage has been too big.

I love you A!

Betrayed!!!!

I don’t even know to begin. I don’t know whether I’m able to write anything sounding like words and sentences at the moment. I’m so angry!! Angrier than I’ve ever been and hopefully will ever be in my entire life. All I wanna do is break everything breakable I possibly have in my flat, harm myself, I don’t fucking care! I need to do something soon or I’ll explode!!!!!!!!

The whole story began on Thursday night. I came home from a shift at work and Twin A had been working with me. I was happy and I was looking forward to seeing A as was planned. I’d built up quite a lot of frustrated feelings over the passed couple of weeks, so when A didn’t answer his phone I got mad. I texted Twin A in frustration since I knew he was awake and explained how I felt. “Go knock on his door,” he replied. I did, but very softly so that I shouldn’t make him grumpy if I woke him up. It was 2 in the morning after all. I called twin A as soon as I got back when I heard no answer. Something in my mind just….. Well, I don’t know I couldn’t see anything clearly and although I’ve said things like, I wanna kill myself in this blog before when I split `up with M, I got this rage over me that I though, I’m gonna do it. I told Twin A what I was up to he came around immediately to take my tablets. He stayed for a while to calm me down. I was fuming, crying calling everyone all sorts of names. Then, when I finally was calm enough to ask him to leave, my doorbell rings and there is A. I opened feeling panicked. Panicked from what I’d just been through emotionally and also guilty because Twin A was in my flat and A thought I cheated on him behind his back. Nothing had happened with me and Twin A still, I just felt guilty. As soon as A saw who was sitting in my living room he said coldly, “You’ve got visitors, that’s cool,” and ran off. Twin A ran after him. I was in shock and stood paralysed on the floor. Then I remembered that I had a very sharp knife in my drawer. Excellent for cutting meat and vegetables with. If A wouldn’t listen, I would simply get it over with my cutting my own throat. I went outside and heard the two guys arguing before A said some final words I couldn’t hear and was gone. Twin A came back, found me with the knife and we had a physical fight which ended in him taking the knife from me, putting it down and carrying me back to my living room where he got me to lay down on the floor. After having laid there for a while he sat and talked to me, telling me all sorts of reasons why I should still be alive, my doorbell rang again and it as A. Him and twin a started to have a fight in my hall and A came in to look for some papers he had lost. I must keep repeating to A that “I never fucked Twin A I don’t fancy him!” “Of course you aint,” he replied sarcastically. Before storming out, he said: 2Don’t worry, I won’t begging around gossiping about you to anyone, how you jump from KS to me to Twin A!”

After that, I had such a bad headache and I felt feverish all over. Twin A made me a cup of mint tea while I got ready for bed. I drank it while he told me all sorts of stuff about A, how nasty he really was, how he used me for sex and a lot more. I cried and cried and cried while he spoke and wrapped the duvet tighter around me. Had I been wrong all along? Was Twin A really the good guy and A the bad one? I told Twin a how I was sorry I avoided him, but I’d heard him and Twin B had a gay relationship together and that they were 20 years older than they pretended to be. I also told him I knew about the sick porn on his computer. He assured me that the age thing was a lay. A didn’t even say that about the age thing. That was fucking TG who I probably will have as little to do with as possible from now on. He said to me that A was the porn freak not him, he just downloaded it for a friend. I knew he was lying about that, but about the age thing, he’s gonna give me his birth certificate so I can get a trusted sighted friend to read it to me. I don’t know though, it could be false. I’ve got no idea how to find this out though. Twin A was gonna sit there until I fell asleep in case I damaged myself from pure anger and shock. 6 AM however, I heard A’s footsteps and then the ringing of my doorbell. From his last visit till then, I heard him walking passed many times. I also made sure to speak loud and clear so that he didn’t think we were having sex, twin A and I. “I’ve come passed here all night and I hoped to catch you by yourself so that we could talk,” he said. “But you know what? He’s still here, so that means you have all the comfort and company you want right now.” Twin A came out and they started to fight again. Louder this time. A tore the sheet he’d hung in front of my window in my door away and went in to look for a DVD he’d forgotten I’d given him back last week. I only remembers bits and pieces of what was said, so I can’t make a constructive account of the fight, but it involved A saying that had Twin A swear that he had never slept with me and that he had lots of personalities and that he was a fake bastard and that he’d heard a lot of our conversation to which I replied that I hoped he had and that I had managed to prove I didn’t sleep with Twin A.

The rest of the day was all text messages and angry exchanges between every party involved. It doesn’t end here though, but I don’t have more energy to write it all now, so I’ll take a break and write later tonight. A explained everything to me when I got back from Barcelona which was a hilarious trip I’ll write about as well. I am angry but I understand a few things now that I didn’t earlier.

Le Petit Prince

Yesterday my Friend Le Petit Prince arrived in London. I’ll call him Prince for short. Basically, he’s a very very very rich Egyptian little bloke. I’m not friends with him because of his money, but his family is so rich I honestly don’t think I’ve met any richer in person. Prince is blind like me, but I think he’s got some kind of mental disability. I’m not quite sure, but he seem to have some very moderate autistic tendenses, such as he get hung up on minor things like, a certain time to meet up is getting moved by an hour and so on. If you have a bad day for some minor reasons, like you over slept and got late for a lecture and it was pooring outside, you can trust him to come and ask you three weeks later if you are feeling ok after the bad day. He’s cool though and it’s not like you are talking to a child when you speak to him, but he’ll always need a bit of extra help and care. We all love him to bits though. I got to know him through my ex Dazzler, cause they went to the same school. So Me, Shark, his girlfriend Jayne and my ex Dazzler set out to meet them in Prince’s brother’s apartment not so far from Harrods. Prince’s twinbrother has come out with no disability and he’s quite hot. It was great to see the whole family. For some reason, their parents have taken a shine to me. We had drinks and finger food. Mini bagels, saussage roles, falafel with humus, duck pate, crisps and much more. It was quite chilled and we were just catching up. The parents invited me t join the twins birthday dinner tonight. It’s their 25th, and I’m looking forward to joining them. It was weird to see Dazzler. He’s a nice guy and good looking, but it’s funny how, when you see your ex you wonder what on earth attracted you to them in the first place.

I realise I’m not writing very well at the moment. I’m just impatient and depressed because I’m so bored!!!! Also, I haven’t seen A much lately which is not making things better. God I hate fucking TG and her hunny muffin living together. Not that I wish to do the same after two months of going out as that would probably end up in disaster, but TG, that twofaced bitch! why her? I’m certainly not happy for them. I just realised how childish that sounded, but I’m not deleting it so that I can remind myself what I am like when I’m in a bad mood.

Crushed!

I haven’t written for almost a week, but I am in shock of what has happened. When I came back, I did meet A, we had dinner at his place in stead of going out and wild wicked sex and lovemaking. The next day I didn’t see him, but spent the time with TG and Twin A. Next day, I get at ext from a saying we need to talk. He tells me he is in a vulnerable state and that he is afraid that I will unintentionally hurt him. He said it wouldn’t work out between us at this point since I wasn’t quite ready for a long term thing, which I am, at least with him. We talked back and forth and then decided to give it a go and that things would fall in to place. Happy with this, I went home. The next day, we were going to see each other and I was going to spend the night there for the first time. He text me Sunday though and said to me it wouldn’t work out again. He said that since I was so close to Twin A, why couldn’t I give that a try? And wished me good luck with it along with confessing Twin A knew it all. I called Twin A and had a go at him for fucking up mine and A’s relationship. Twin A got pissed off with A and they had a long talk that evening. A had then said to Twin a, that he was gonna mend it all with me, so he came and took me to his flat where we made love, had dinner and listened to music all night until I went home instead of spending the night three respecting the fact he wanted to build things up slowly. Then yesterday, thinking it was all well, we talked through what had been said between him and Twin A. It went well at first, but then he said something about not having liked that I commented that him and Twin A had a similar hair style. I didn’t quite see the problem. I don’t get pissed off if someone, even he would tell me G and I for example had the same hairstyle. I smiled a little to which he responded angrily and said I was taking the piss. That my smile proved my guilt about having had an affair with Twin A.

I can’t remember the details after that. Just that I screamed that I hadn’t done it, that I was sorry one tiny facial expression should fuck it all up and then remembering texting him later. I haven’t slept all night. I tried for a bit, but was dreaming that I had him next to me and that I was stroking his hair, so sleeping wasn’t a good idea. I can’t believe this. His mind is fixed on the fact that I’ve cheated on him and I had a long chat with Twin A, who is as pissed off with it as I am. It’s unfair and whatever I say, I can’t prove it. I’m beyond upset!

Dear lord, Help me! Please!

Midnight

It’s past midnight and I should have been in bed. I am really tired too, but suddenly felt so depressed I just had to write something before I did that. Depression totally suck and I do not recommend it. Your mind changes and you’re constantly in a negative mode. I’m usually quite a positive person, so this is something I am not used to. I get silly thoughts like I’d be better off dead, there’s no point to anything and I stop eating and can’t consentrate on what I am doing. Sometimes, I do wonder how many people would be upset if I decided to end it all. I mean truly upset and not just sad or sorry. Who would feel like they had an empty space in their life because I had disappeared. It’s not something I could do though. I think you either need to be too atention seaking, too creative/artistic and you have to have the exact right level of depression. I believe you can be too depressed to commit suicide and of course you can be too little depressed to do it. I also think the suicidal depression have to be mixed with anger and a special determination. You need a special combination of weakness and strength to take that big step. To decide that, “Hey, my life’s over now, I’m gonna go die and run away from my problems.” I think the worst bit about suicide are the few micro seconds before you die. You know it’s too late, fragments of your whole life is going through your conciousness and suddenly you find out that you don’t want to die. But it’s too late. You know that in a few microseconds your life is gonna be over. I believe this, because I once heard an interview with this guy on BBC world service who jumped off the Golden gate in San fransisco. Needless to say he survived, but he described that feeling of regret as he was falling. “As I was falling, I realised I had something to live for,” he said. I wonder if suicide victims, Victims? I don’t think they should be called victims, feel a sense of having lost against the world when they carry out there action.

When M and I were together and I felt a little down, you know like, normal down due to the weather being bad and stuff, and we were on the phone he used to say, “Don’t feel down I’m not there to hug you!” How I wish I just woke up in my warm bed right now and M was holding me, stroking my hair saying: “Honey, no need to be down, I’m here to hug you now.” or, “It’s all a bad dream. I never left you.”

It hurts badly. It feels like someone has taken a knife through my body and left it there with the shaft poking out the front, the sharp edge at the back and the blade slowly shredding me from the inside! I hope that once M’s got things sorted, he’ll know what he’s lost and come back to me. I wonder how I would respond if that would happen. I wouldn’t receive him with open arms. At least not before I’d had a long good serious chat with him.

Len is a star! she’s booked tickets for me to go to Norway next week, and I’ll stay for six days! It’s gonna be great. The tickets are a Christmas present for me. I am looking forward to seeing her again.

Never underestimate what good friends can do for you! I love my London friends and my Norway friends!

Ok, starting to feel sleepy now, so goodnight, good day, good morning depending on wherever in the world you are.

Back to work

I managed to go back to work today after two days of feeling horrible and sorry for myself. Two great days they were though if you don’t take into account that M split with me.

Tuesday evening I went over to HB and Miss C for dinner. We ordered an Indian take away and the first part of the evening HB was entertaining me by finding the most cheesy music channel on TV where they played Aqua, Spice girls and other track I am ashamed to say I liked as a kid. He critiqued me for not having behaved like a very depressed person. I spent most of that day, when I wasn’t using the g-twister that was, listening to hardrock and write in my blog. According to him, I should have eaten chocolate and listened to Celine dion! He’s just great! Then, because I hate it so much, he made me listen to the 83 different versions of “Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep” from Itunes, driving both me and Miss C crazy! The only torture I can think of which is worse than that, is being tied and gagged with a pear of headphones being forced to listen to Mariah Carey’s “Make it through the rain” on full blast, the only song that actually gave me a headache first time I heard it! They also put on South Park and some stand-up commedy which made me laugh till I cried.

It’s funny how, when you fall in love with somebody, you fall in love with a lot of things that concerns, or is part of that persons life. In this case, I have now fallen in love with the West coast Canadian and American accent, Loveline and the Adam Carolla show, M’s favourite shows, and a special appreciation for Canadian artists. Yeah, I know it’s kind of pathetic. Especially since I wasn’t a fan of the Adam Carolla show when I first heard it. But I did like him on Loveline, which he unfortunately is no longer co-hoasting.

Yesterday morning, I lay in bed listening to one of my recorded Loveline shows with Adam and Dr Drew. I just love that man! Drew I mean. He sound so…. caring! I wish I could talk to him about my problems, because when he answers questions from listeners, he does it in such a good way, it almost feels like he can solve anything! For those of you who don’t know Loveline, it is a show where Dr. Drew and Adam Carolla, up to two years ago, used to get phone calls from listeners asking different questions concerning love, sex and other things. Dr. Drew, a professional doctor, would answer the questions, while Adam would come with funny comments. I’m gonna have to go through all my Loveline recordings to see if anyone has any similar problems to me to hear what Dr. Drew says. So far, I’ve listened to two shows and from what I understand It will take him six months at least to get over, um, things? and me six months to get over him. I really hope something happens before that time. six months seems like an eternity!

Anyway, I really wouldn’t mind going for another Canadian or North American. the accent really is a turn on. How to find hot, sexy single Canadians and Americans in London, who have brains humour and a good personality is gonna be a challenge. Not because that’s rare for the guys over there, but finding that particular kind of guy in London I mean.

I spent the afternoon with HMF. Her flat is really gorgeous and I am hoping that I can move to that part of London soon. I live too far out and I don’t really like my neighbour hood all that much. We had a great time. We haven’t been friends for long, but I feel like I’ve known her for ages. Some people are just like that.

HB really is a sweet person. I can’t count the amount of times he’s come up to my desk, patted my shoulder and ask me if everything’s ok. There is also this girl, Baby G, whom I never felt I got on with before. She’s a nice girl, but somehow our personalities clash. Today however, the tone between us have been a lot better. Maybe we’re becoming friends?

It’s been a long day. Felt really horny when I woke up this morning, but no time for playing, so it’ll have to be tonight. That G-twister seriously does wonders! I used it yesterday while listening to Loveline. I responded better to it than the day before. Wondering how it will go today!

I’ve been thinking a little, and have decided to have a weekly thing where I write about fantasies. That’s one fantasy every friday!

Life sucks!

the last thing I feel like doing right now is writing. In fact the last thing I feel like doing is anything at all. In one day it just seems like the world has ended or it’s preparing to do so. And I can’t even write without using fucking cliches!

I am forcing myself to write this down though so that I can process my thoughts a little. Writing always helps for me. Not always to make me get totally happy again, but it certainly put things into a slightly different perspective.

Before I tell you what happened though, I need to finish the storry about M, Bee and me.

M and I had gotten really close friends by mid July and he was the only person who kept me sain during my rainy summer holidays back in Norway before my graduation. Before that though was the hen party for KJ where Bee was the made of honour. It was stranger and stranger seeing Bee again. she knew I had lots of contact with M, but I didn’t know at that time how much against that she actually was. So, the tone between us was quite good and it was a good party, only little comments from Bee’s friend Shelly who had joined her from Glasgow that remotely related to Bee’s sexlife with M just made me feel something, I don’t quite know what it was, but I still wasn’t clear about my feelings for M, just that I thought Bee was very lucky to be with him.

I got back to Edinburgh the day after the hen party, the day before Bee and Shelly would return. I immediately texted M to let him know I was back in the country. Him and I waere texting back and forth until he phoned me. We had quite a long conversation where, among other things he hinted to the fact that he wasn’t sure whether our type of friendship was right in relation to Bee. that surprised me as there was nothing between us but friendship, but this was also what gave me first indication of there possibly being something more.

Two days later, he text me and appologized for having behaved strangely on the phone that day and we kept texting as normal till my graduation day where he, among other people of course, was going to attend. It was a really good sermony and party after that. I had brought a lot of family from Norway, and they and my scottish friends were happily conversing with each other. He made a spontanious but good speech and I think it was then it started to dawn on me, although I wasn’t quite sure before Saturday when he kind of said it straight out that I had a big crush on him. I could go through how the texting went that day, but I don’t really have the energy. I did understand that it wasn’t just me who had feelings though although he was very indirect.

We put all the cards on the table Wednesday July 17th whenever he phoned me from his business trip. I was back in Norway then, so he had spent and absolute fortune on me. We spoke for about four hours about things and I said that he should never leave Bee for me. He agreed to that.And he wasn’t sure if he even wanted to leave Bee.

Three days after that, it was KJ and Mr. H’s wedding. I had had three days of being quite nervous about the whole thing because Bee and M were both gonna be there and I was wondering how we would all behave. I got there for the coffee as KJ just spontaniously had invited me to the wedding last minute. Apparently Bee’s speech had been a great success and I was happy for her. M was wearing a kilt and he looked damn hot in it! It was so hard not to just throw my arms around him and kiss him right there, but in stead we spent the night foot flurting and at some point we were holding hands, something we had to stop doing quickly in case anyone would see it. I got a good feel of that kilt though and it was a good excuse for letting my hand rest on his thigh.

We met up the next day as well for an afterparty at the bride and grooms place. It had been a nice wedding and they, the bridal couple I mean had both been very good looking. The afterparty was a little strange though. There was a wee tention between me, Bee and M. M and I kept on foot flurting when we got the chance to sit next to each other.

It was a very exhausting weekend emotionally, but it had been fun too. Good to catch up with other old friends that had been there. M and I couldn’t communicate propperly though, so we did it via emails, some of which were quite sexy!

After that weekend Bee and M started having serious arguments, and when I moved to London the next week, they were no longer living together. I had kept in touch with M all that time, but not with Bee. I don’t even think she wanted to speak to me. She was convinced I was trying to split them up, which wasn’t the case even though I did hope they would split up in a way. But M and I spoke a lot on the phone and he came to see me in London two weeks later. I have already written about that though, and many more sexy details of our relationship will be posted. I still love him lots and want to write it all down so that I can remember it.

I was the happiest little thing till about mid October till he phoned me and said that he needed a break. That things with me and him had happened too quickly after he split up with Bee and that he had to reconsider a lot of things in his life. I thought it was quite sensible in a way, although it hit me hard and I was sure I was going to lose him. He had a hard time too. He had moved across the world to be with Bee and his entire network was built up around her circle of friends. He had lost most of them and I knew that when he wasn’t seeing me, he was feeling quite screwed up. I drank a lot in the first few weeks after the conversation and had incoherent phone conversation to my best friend Len in Norway, who assured me that things were gonna be alright. Then, after too much drinking, panick attacks and evenings of hysteric crying, I finally got the GP to give me anti depressives, which had I not been on them now, I don’t know how I would have reacted to things. I got sleeping pills too. At least they keep me going at the moment.

It was good I had started them when I spoke to M on the phone yesterday. He told me that he wasn’t sure when he was going to have things sorted out, and that it was best that he didn’t have a relationship with me at the moment. He didn’t want me to be dragged along in his shit waiting around for whenever he was ready to start something. He said it could take a very long time. I am devestated about this, and wasn’t able to go to work this morning. I stayed in bed texting my closest friends telling them my life was fucked up and the HB invited me for dinner this evening. I’m gonna go see HMF tomorrow hopefully and Len is fixing some tickets for me so I can go stay with her for a week. I think leaving the country helps even though I am going to Malaysia soon. I just feel so shitty right now. I can’t describe it.

well done if you’ve managed to read this entire post all the way through without falling asleep. I’m afraid you’ll have to bare with me being fucked up at the moment, but will try to be slightly more entertaining in future posts. This is truly the worst things that happened to me though and although he didn’t give me hopes or said otherwise I can’t help but hoping for me and M to get back togetherw