Improvements

I’m not gonna say much about this now, but it looks as if things might improve with me and A. We had a long chat yesterday because I had to tell him KS knows everything about me cheating on him. He came around and asked me questions about it. Well, I knew he sort of knew anyway. He hinted to me for some time that he knew I was seeing somebody. I was honest with him to make myself feel better, but also to prove to A that I am an honest person that confesses my mistakes. I spent six hours up in his flat and although he isn’t all that happy about me telling KS how long it had gone on for etc. but I told him I just couldn’t continue lying to him anymore. That after all KS is a good person who doesn’t deserve that much disrespect. He seemed to get the gist. He also told me his reasons to suspect I had cheated on him with Twin A and I am beginning to understand why he could think that. Twin A knew a lot about me that only people who are close to me do. I don’t know where he got all the info from. I suspect TG gave him some and before I found out a lot of shit about him, I talked to him as well. Not about my inner thoughts and feelings, but I thought he just was a normal guy I could be friends with like so many of my other friends. An even kissed me a few times on my face and lips. I don’t wanna keep my hopes up though. I mean, he said he was gonna go over and talk to KS about stuff today. I made it as if I was to blame for all the cheating, that I was the bad person and a said he’d go and take his part of the blame for it. I also let KS know that a thought I’d been cheating on him with Twin A and I’m not all that keen on the two guys talking today. Anyway. I did something terrible to a good guy and now I’m trying to make it right. I just pray, dear God, it won’t end up in a disaster!

Crushed!

I haven’t written for almost a week, but I am in shock of what has happened. When I came back, I did meet A, we had dinner at his place in stead of going out and wild wicked sex and lovemaking. The next day I didn’t see him, but spent the time with TG and Twin A. Next day, I get at ext from a saying we need to talk. He tells me he is in a vulnerable state and that he is afraid that I will unintentionally hurt him. He said it wouldn’t work out between us at this point since I wasn’t quite ready for a long term thing, which I am, at least with him. We talked back and forth and then decided to give it a go and that things would fall in to place. Happy with this, I went home. The next day, we were going to see each other and I was going to spend the night there for the first time. He text me Sunday though and said to me it wouldn’t work out again. He said that since I was so close to Twin A, why couldn’t I give that a try? And wished me good luck with it along with confessing Twin A knew it all. I called Twin A and had a go at him for fucking up mine and A’s relationship. Twin A got pissed off with A and they had a long talk that evening. A had then said to Twin a, that he was gonna mend it all with me, so he came and took me to his flat where we made love, had dinner and listened to music all night until I went home instead of spending the night three respecting the fact he wanted to build things up slowly. Then yesterday, thinking it was all well, we talked through what had been said between him and Twin A. It went well at first, but then he said something about not having liked that I commented that him and Twin A had a similar hair style. I didn’t quite see the problem. I don’t get pissed off if someone, even he would tell me G and I for example had the same hairstyle. I smiled a little to which he responded angrily and said I was taking the piss. That my smile proved my guilt about having had an affair with Twin A.

I can’t remember the details after that. Just that I screamed that I hadn’t done it, that I was sorry one tiny facial expression should fuck it all up and then remembering texting him later. I haven’t slept all night. I tried for a bit, but was dreaming that I had him next to me and that I was stroking his hair, so sleeping wasn’t a good idea. I can’t believe this. His mind is fixed on the fact that I’ve cheated on him and I had a long chat with Twin A, who is as pissed off with it as I am. It’s unfair and whatever I say, I can’t prove it. I’m beyond upset!

Dear lord, Help me! Please!

A little prayer

Dear God,

I’m feeling homesick. very homesick and very depressed too right now. I feel like there’s nothing really worth staying in London for. Ok, KS of course, and all my other good friends that I’ll be sorry to leave behind if I have to go. I’m feeling like my life doesn’t have any directions at the moment. I’m just looking forward to the next recruitment process with the BBC. Praying that I’ll get it. Sometimes I wonder if I was meant to be in London at all. That I did something wrong in not going straight back home after studying.

God, I don’t often ask for this, but please, I am asking you this once. Please put an end to all this and give a miracle! Just this once! A Miracle! You can do it you know!

Amen