Barcelona

After everything that happened on Thursday night, or Friday morning if you like, the last thing I felt like doing was going to Barcelona. Twin A convinced me that it was what I needed though and knowing I couldn’t just change my mind at the last minute; I set out to meet Helene and Robbie whom I was going with. I was half an hour late due to a few things I had to sort out and due to the fact that I almost managed to leave without my passport, but when I finally got there, we went to a lovely Italian restaurant where Robbie used to be the manager, where we ate so much we were full till late lunch next day. After a short, but good night’s sleep at Robbie’s, we jumped in the prepaid cab to the airport. We got there early which was good. I hate rushing and so does Helene. The flight was even ahead of schedule and we arrived in sunny Barcelona half an hour earlier than planned.

Last time I was in the north of Spain where there were little or no tourists, I was 8. I fell in love with it in a way I never did with the more touristy parts of the country. I was reminded why I fell for it so much as we were walking down the street to find a somewhere to have lunch. We didn’t even live in the touristy part of Barcelona, so most of the people we encountered spoke Spanish. I got to practice what little Spanish I know. During the whole trip in fact, I spoke a mix of French, Spanish and English. I even managed to get a little bit of Italian and Norwegian in there as well. There’s something about the atmosphere of Spain. Everyone seems to go about life so happily. Lay back but efficient at the same time. I like the narrow streets and the music coming out from the by passing cars and windows. We found an adorable little place serving mainly fish and seafood where we decided to stop for lunch. We had joined with the Paris team as well now, so we were five. I ordered fish of the day, which was a grilled type of fish, so nicely done it was like it melted n my mouth. The fish was accompanied by perfectly fried potatoes, or fries, and we all shared a big salad as well as bread with garlic and chopped tomato.
After the lunch, the three of us from London went home to have a quick shower before joining the Paris team at Hilton where the important dinner was going to be held. Franck, the French waiter, or dark room manager, as was his title, showed me and Robbie around the dark room. We got assigned a table each, and now we would have to wait for nearly five hours until there was worked to do. Franck was well cool, so I spent lots of time chatting to him, but it was kind of boring not having anything to do.

The staff dinner, our dinner before we were due to start work was beyond fantastic! For starters we had hams and cheeses and for the main course we had black rice with fish. It tasted a little bit like Paella. With the food we had red wine, which surprised me since at the restaurant in London; we’re not really allowed to drink before work. We only had time for a shared fruit plate and some coffee before hurrying into the dark room where the dinner was due to be served. We went over the final details once more and then it was time to take the people in. After having seated them, they first had to listen to an audio report of formula 1 before the dinner was due to start. I can’t go into why this dinner was being held and staff, because some of them might stumble across this blog and I’ve written lots of details already. Anyway, most of them were important PR people and life style journalist from all over Europe as well as the US and Japan. I sat with my customers, which I don’t do when I work in London, talking them through their experience in the dark. One of the Polish journalists was really sweet and kissed my hand every time I walked passed. Franck and I also had fun dancing to the music unseen by everyone. Unlike both the London and Paris dark restaurants where you see your waiter, or guide, before you go in, the people here had not seen us as we’d only met them when they were through the last of the three sets of curtains leading into the room. After dinner therefore, was the first time they got to see us. We conversed with them for a bit before they departed and we did a few necessary things before heading out to discover Barcelona’s night life.

We went from bar to bar, club to club. It was lively everywhere and I didn’t by a single drink because I had three French guys who were more than willing to by me some. We were talking, dancing and suddenly, I’d had enough alcohol. I told them that I needed to go home or I’d lose it completely. I had anyway, but at least I was conscious enough to do it. It was passed four anyway, but I really wish I’d not mixed or I could have stayed out even longer which some of the others did.

When I woke up the next morning, I knew that the person in the bed next to me wasn’t Helene. I figured it must be a man since we were the only women on the trip, but who the hell could it be? And why was he in my room? Had my drink been spiked? Had I done something I couldn’t remember? I knew I’d flirted a little with one of the French technicians, but as far as I was concerned I wasn’t interested in sleeping with anyone beside A. I turned over and waited till it sounded like the man was waking up. “Who is there?” I said. It took a while before his replied. Taking time to wake up. “It’s F.” F is the boss of all the events like that and he’s very cool. “Why are you sleeping here if you don’t mind me asking? What happened?” It was quiet for a bit, and then we both started laughing at the same time. The situation was so strange! “Well, Helene left with the technician,” F said. “I needed somewhere to sleep so she and I had to swap rooms for the night. You were fast asleep when I came in.” So, nothing worse then. Not that he’s ugly. Quite the opposite in fact, but it wouldn’t have made me look very decent if I’d slept with him out of pure drunkenness. His wife called at that exact moment and he explained to her what had happened. She though it was hilarious too. I didn’t have much time to get ready. We were leaving for the airport in 30 minutes, so I got up, had a quick shower and went downstairs where all the others where. F and I kept saying things like “Last night was so wonderful sweetie,” to wind the others up.

The trip back went fine, although I’ve been in better shape. I had a bit of a headache and as I may have mentioned I did spend that evening as a’s place being sick. Anyway, despite a couple of things, the trip was perfect and it was sad to get back to London.
A few other things which have been good lately are that KS and I are friends again. We haven’t spoken at all for a month and it’s good to have him back in my life. He’s heavy on his weed and I doubt whether we’ll get together again at any point, but we’re friends and that’s the good thing. I also understand now one of the reasons A exploded last week. Apparently, he went to the hospital on Monday because he felt itchy and he has this very minor STD which he said I must have given him since he hasn’t been with anyone else. I haven’t been with anyone else either, so I don’t even know if I have something. I’ve booked an appointment to get tested though, but they didn’t have anything free before the 12. Of this month. I’ve received my satnav system, so I’m gonna pull myself together and read the manuals to get started.

Explainations and clarifications

I please read the previous post before this one.

“I don’t want this to end babes.” These were the last words A said to me in the long phone conversation we had just after I finished working for the evening in Barcelona. It had been a long and hard conversation, but nothing was by no means clear yet. I couldn’t be all open and honest in the middle of a crowd at Hilton, but I said I’d come see him the next day when I came back to London. I felt horrible when I came in the door to my flat. I’d had a very good and amusing night the night before, and I was paying for it. I needed a shower, some food and I wanted to finish listening to the audio letter Mad had sent me. The last few words he’d said had given me a positive boost about the coming conversation, but I was feeling nervous as well. At 8.30 half an hour before I’d decided it was time to go see him, he text me asking if he could come down for a short while. Everything was explained. He’d heard things from Twin A suggesting I was flirty and a little bit slutty at work. I don’t know whether Twin A actually said those words, but what I think it was, was that he twisted it in such a way that A would pick up on it that way. He’d also heard from him that I was planning to announce the relationship at my birthday party, something I hadn’t planned at all. That’s why he hadn’t showed up. Because he’d heard these things, he’d said to Twin A about me that I was nothing but sex to him. To be fair, that’s how it started with both of us, but eventually feelings developed. He said he did have feelings for me, which I actually believe. Had it been just sex, he wouldn’t insist on not having sex a couple of the times we met. He also explained that Nadz, a mutual friend of hours had said something on the night when they chilled in her flat to wait to go to TG’s party. She’d told A he was naive. Naturally, A had thought I had made him the laughing stock at work because I slept with Twin A behind his back. However, what he concluded later was that she’d probably meant that Twin A was twisting the truth a little. The two of them are really clothes, and therefore, she knows him really well.

The whole talk really is very confusing to write down in detail, but we both came clean with what had been said and done, came to the conclusion that the underlying issue in our relationship had been that people had always, for some reason interfered. “At this point in time, I think the best thing we can do is to have a clean slate, not a clean break.” he said to me. “Do you hope we can get back together again?” I asked knowing it sounded childish, but I needed and still need reassurance. “Who knows,” he said. “But you want to right?” “Yeah, I hope we can build something up and be happy with no interference.” During the conversation, I had been sick twice from a terrible headache I’d had. I was feeling numb and tired. I leaned my head against his shoulder. “I’m gonna miss making love to you,” I said taking in the smell of him. The smell I like so much. Incense mixed with aftershave and hair products. He leaned his head on top of mine. “Oh no,” he said with a whisper. We put our arms around each other and sat like that for a long time. It felt so good holding each other. “So, why can’t you use me, just use me for sex?” I asked when we broke apart. “No, not now. I could a couple of months ago, but not now.” “And, not that I have the right to control you, but other women?” “I’ll not tell you unless you hear something and ask me. Then I’ll tell the truth,” he said. “But as the real gentleman I am, I’ll walk you home.” In my doorway we hugged again for a long time. “I’m gonna pray that one day…” I said. “Yeah,” He kissed my hand and I kissed his before he left me alone.

I guess being a woman in love; I’m reading so much more into the conversation than it really was. I mean, if I’m trying to be straight and sensible about this whole thing, we’re friends now and because we both have feelings for each other, it might go back one day to the way it was. We have agreed to try spending a lot of time together, do things so we get all nice and relaxed about each other. I just can’t bare the thought of another woman holding him, making love to him and him doing it to someone else! But I don’t own him. I just pray to God: Please God, make this work. Make this work in the foreseeable future! And it is a prayer I will keep repeating until I get an answer and some certainty one way or another. It pains me that I passed on information to twin A that A had told me about him such as the horrible internet porn thing, and I want nothing more than for A to trust me again. I wanna try building the trust up. And what is a slate? What does that mean? Please someone with better knowledge of English tell me what it means. Does is mean no more? So many unanswered questions. With regards to my job, I don’t know, maybe I should quit the restaurant. There has been too much slander going on about me that I feel comfortable working there, but then I don’t know. Twin A, as I said to A last night, I think the smartest thing I can do is to remain friends with him. I’m not gonna be close to him though. Not open up about my personal life. The two boys are no longer friends. The damage has been too big.

I love you A!

Betrayed!!!!

I don’t even know to begin. I don’t know whether I’m able to write anything sounding like words and sentences at the moment. I’m so angry!! Angrier than I’ve ever been and hopefully will ever be in my entire life. All I wanna do is break everything breakable I possibly have in my flat, harm myself, I don’t fucking care! I need to do something soon or I’ll explode!!!!!!!!

The whole story began on Thursday night. I came home from a shift at work and Twin A had been working with me. I was happy and I was looking forward to seeing A as was planned. I’d built up quite a lot of frustrated feelings over the passed couple of weeks, so when A didn’t answer his phone I got mad. I texted Twin A in frustration since I knew he was awake and explained how I felt. “Go knock on his door,” he replied. I did, but very softly so that I shouldn’t make him grumpy if I woke him up. It was 2 in the morning after all. I called twin A as soon as I got back when I heard no answer. Something in my mind just….. Well, I don’t know I couldn’t see anything clearly and although I’ve said things like, I wanna kill myself in this blog before when I split `up with M, I got this rage over me that I though, I’m gonna do it. I told Twin A what I was up to he came around immediately to take my tablets. He stayed for a while to calm me down. I was fuming, crying calling everyone all sorts of names. Then, when I finally was calm enough to ask him to leave, my doorbell rings and there is A. I opened feeling panicked. Panicked from what I’d just been through emotionally and also guilty because Twin A was in my flat and A thought I cheated on him behind his back. Nothing had happened with me and Twin A still, I just felt guilty. As soon as A saw who was sitting in my living room he said coldly, “You’ve got visitors, that’s cool,” and ran off. Twin A ran after him. I was in shock and stood paralysed on the floor. Then I remembered that I had a very sharp knife in my drawer. Excellent for cutting meat and vegetables with. If A wouldn’t listen, I would simply get it over with my cutting my own throat. I went outside and heard the two guys arguing before A said some final words I couldn’t hear and was gone. Twin A came back, found me with the knife and we had a physical fight which ended in him taking the knife from me, putting it down and carrying me back to my living room where he got me to lay down on the floor. After having laid there for a while he sat and talked to me, telling me all sorts of reasons why I should still be alive, my doorbell rang again and it as A. Him and twin a started to have a fight in my hall and A came in to look for some papers he had lost. I must keep repeating to A that “I never fucked Twin A I don’t fancy him!” “Of course you aint,” he replied sarcastically. Before storming out, he said: 2Don’t worry, I won’t begging around gossiping about you to anyone, how you jump from KS to me to Twin A!”

After that, I had such a bad headache and I felt feverish all over. Twin A made me a cup of mint tea while I got ready for bed. I drank it while he told me all sorts of stuff about A, how nasty he really was, how he used me for sex and a lot more. I cried and cried and cried while he spoke and wrapped the duvet tighter around me. Had I been wrong all along? Was Twin A really the good guy and A the bad one? I told Twin a how I was sorry I avoided him, but I’d heard him and Twin B had a gay relationship together and that they were 20 years older than they pretended to be. I also told him I knew about the sick porn on his computer. He assured me that the age thing was a lay. A didn’t even say that about the age thing. That was fucking TG who I probably will have as little to do with as possible from now on. He said to me that A was the porn freak not him, he just downloaded it for a friend. I knew he was lying about that, but about the age thing, he’s gonna give me his birth certificate so I can get a trusted sighted friend to read it to me. I don’t know though, it could be false. I’ve got no idea how to find this out though. Twin A was gonna sit there until I fell asleep in case I damaged myself from pure anger and shock. 6 AM however, I heard A’s footsteps and then the ringing of my doorbell. From his last visit till then, I heard him walking passed many times. I also made sure to speak loud and clear so that he didn’t think we were having sex, twin A and I. “I’ve come passed here all night and I hoped to catch you by yourself so that we could talk,” he said. “But you know what? He’s still here, so that means you have all the comfort and company you want right now.” Twin A came out and they started to fight again. Louder this time. A tore the sheet he’d hung in front of my window in my door away and went in to look for a DVD he’d forgotten I’d given him back last week. I only remembers bits and pieces of what was said, so I can’t make a constructive account of the fight, but it involved A saying that had Twin A swear that he had never slept with me and that he had lots of personalities and that he was a fake bastard and that he’d heard a lot of our conversation to which I replied that I hoped he had and that I had managed to prove I didn’t sleep with Twin A.

The rest of the day was all text messages and angry exchanges between every party involved. It doesn’t end here though, but I don’t have more energy to write it all now, so I’ll take a break and write later tonight. A explained everything to me when I got back from Barcelona which was a hilarious trip I’ll write about as well. I am angry but I understand a few things now that I didn’t earlier.

releasing anger

I’ve noticed lately that most of the time; I walk around feeling angry or sad. It’s not that the good mood don’t come to the surface. When I am with good friends having a good time, I am all happy and smiling. But the anger doesn’t go. It’s lying at the bottom of my chest like a piece of chewing gum that’s stuck to a surface and almost impossible to rub off. I think the main source of my angry feelings is me. I almost feel as I’ve let myself down. I keep telling myself that I have to stop being so freaking stupid all the time. Firstly, it’s my love life. I can say with my hand on my heart that I’ve only loved two guys. M was the first one and now, I am really close to, or have already started loving A. I just wish I didn’t. A said himself that I’d met him at a bad time. He’s got a lot to deal with at the moment that I’m not gonna go through here, but I understand that giving himself over to a relationship is hard at this point in time. He said to me on Friday that if I met someone else, he would not be happy, but he would back me understanding how frustrated I felt about things not being rosy red and perfect. In a way, it might to be so bad that things are a little rocky at the moment because I might appreciate it more when things are going steady. It’s just little frustrating though. I’ve been sitting at home a lot lately. It’s not that I can’t go out, but I don’t really have anything I need done and walking around London is very energy consuming when you have to ask people for direction. I can’t wait to get my GPS because I believe it will improve my freedom a little in that sense enabling me to go more places I wouldn’t go without it. I’ve spent two days with Twin A. Nothing intimate, but when he went out to walk his dog, I joined since I wanted walk in the lovely spring weather and some company. It makes me angry that I feel guilty about going for walks with Twin A. What if A sees us and get mad at me? I am getting paranoid. Fuck him if he doesn’t accept me going for a walk with another guy. Well, the only problem being, the guy he thought I was seeing behind his back. I feel guilty every time I talk to Twin A on the phone and that makes me angry, cause I don’t have anything to feel guilty about!! Why am I falling in love with A? Why now? Answer: Because I think he’s a wonderful guy and I can’t get enough of him. He’s got a great personality. I discover new exciting things about him every time we talk and he’s a good lover. I need him, if that makes sense. And then, I feel sad because I’m angry because I want to be all happy and not think so much. Be able to go for a walk with Twin A when A isn’t there and Twin A offers to take me out. That A would completely trust me not to do anything. That I could stop being paranoid! That I can stop feeling guilty talking to or walking with a guy, who might or might not have gay sex with his best friend, might or might not be 40 instead of 23 and that I haven’t even had a remote sexual fantasy about. If only I could spend a little bit more time with A. I know that would help me feeling better!

I’m off to Harrods now with Prince and his mum. I’m really looking forward to that. I’ve dressed nicely so as to try and fit in with the rich Arabs and other people going in there. I know Harrods is a rip off, but I wonder if I’ll end up buying anything.

Centre of atention

I had my first kiss when I was 18. Before that, I went around feeling sorry for myself and cursing all my friends who had kissed and even had sex with guys. I was especially mad with my sister for some reason. Well, she is 5 years younger than me and she’d already kissed some one. What was wrong with me? I often blamed it to the fact that people backed away from a blind girl thinking they had to take so much care of me when they were going out with me. Mum often said to me that as a disabled girl, I wasn’t very much desired as a girlfriend and that I would just have to wait. Not a very uplifting message from mother to daughter if you ask me. Mum2 was more positive as were my friends and gave me a lot of encouragement… And it was indeed on a trip to Brussels for a youth hearing in the EU parliament where I’d brought my mum2 with me I got my first boyfriend. Fair enough, he treated me bad, but it changed my confidence and also my luck with other guys. In this passed week, I’ve been asked out by three different guys. One of them is one of the cooks in the restaurant. He’s South-African and I don’t believe for a second that he’s single. Ok, he didn’t just ask med out last week. Being a (good man) he moves one step at the time. First he was going to take his future wife, meaning me, home to his family in Soweto, Johannesburg. “They’ll love you and you’ll love them and Soweto,” he said. The second encounter was rather embarrassing. He was wearing a coat made from a similar material to TG. Thinking it was TG coming over to give me a hug and how we have a habit of pretending we are having a secret lesbian relationship, I snuggled up saying, “Hey babes”. Discovering it was KG though, was very embarrassing!!! If nothing else, it makes a hilarious story. A prime example of blind failures. Friday, he grabbed my thighs during staff food which I wasn’t all that impressed about and I let him know. “Have you missed me,” he whispered tenderly leaning across the table. Me, being sarcastic and also in a very hormonal state due to my upcoming period, answered “Oh, I’ve cried every night.” He not understanding the sarcasm said, “You could have called me.” Then, there is this other guy working in the restaurant. A Sri Lankan, who’s too fat for my liking and too desperate as is sleazy Robbie, the Italian guy I’ve wrote about before who didn’t have the nerve to ask me himself. He got TG to do it. I have very little respect for men who can’t ask women themselves. Had Robbie had the nerve to ask me, I probably would have been a little nice saying that I respected him, but no thanks. As it happened though I laughed in TG’s face saying I wouldn’t date him for a million years. Poor guy. It’s not that I don’t appreciate it, but it’s just a little bit annoying that the guys can’t keep their hands to themselves. Robbie for example, had to grope me and kiss my neck before he asked TG to ask me out. Of course I told him to fuck off.

A slight correction. TG does not live with her hunny muffin. I’m still not happy though, because she got a flat in a block that I’ve been on a waiting list for ages. She had her flat warming party on Saturday. I didn’t wanna go to be honest, but a said that he fancied going, so I thought I should give it a go. We went after work, TG, Hunny muffin, and a few others from work including sincerely yours. Because of bad bus connections in the middle of the night, and being London, a lot of traffic, we didn’t get there till half two in the morning, but it was a merry party. I got home escorted by A, at about 6 AM and went to bed with period pains half an hour later.

Today, I had a friend over who works for a technology company. I am going to get myself a sat nav system, which will enable me to go more places by myself. I can’t wait! I’m also getting a digital talking book player, or Daisy player which I can put books and music on. I received my digital recorder a week ago, so I’m starting to get a good collection of gadgets!

Crushed!

I haven’t written for almost a week, but I am in shock of what has happened. When I came back, I did meet A, we had dinner at his place in stead of going out and wild wicked sex and lovemaking. The next day I didn’t see him, but spent the time with TG and Twin A. Next day, I get at ext from a saying we need to talk. He tells me he is in a vulnerable state and that he is afraid that I will unintentionally hurt him. He said it wouldn’t work out between us at this point since I wasn’t quite ready for a long term thing, which I am, at least with him. We talked back and forth and then decided to give it a go and that things would fall in to place. Happy with this, I went home. The next day, we were going to see each other and I was going to spend the night there for the first time. He text me Sunday though and said to me it wouldn’t work out again. He said that since I was so close to Twin A, why couldn’t I give that a try? And wished me good luck with it along with confessing Twin A knew it all. I called Twin A and had a go at him for fucking up mine and A’s relationship. Twin A got pissed off with A and they had a long talk that evening. A had then said to Twin a, that he was gonna mend it all with me, so he came and took me to his flat where we made love, had dinner and listened to music all night until I went home instead of spending the night three respecting the fact he wanted to build things up slowly. Then yesterday, thinking it was all well, we talked through what had been said between him and Twin A. It went well at first, but then he said something about not having liked that I commented that him and Twin A had a similar hair style. I didn’t quite see the problem. I don’t get pissed off if someone, even he would tell me G and I for example had the same hairstyle. I smiled a little to which he responded angrily and said I was taking the piss. That my smile proved my guilt about having had an affair with Twin A.

I can’t remember the details after that. Just that I screamed that I hadn’t done it, that I was sorry one tiny facial expression should fuck it all up and then remembering texting him later. I haven’t slept all night. I tried for a bit, but was dreaming that I had him next to me and that I was stroking his hair, so sleeping wasn’t a good idea. I can’t believe this. His mind is fixed on the fact that I’ve cheated on him and I had a long chat with Twin A, who is as pissed off with it as I am. It’s unfair and whatever I say, I can’t prove it. I’m beyond upset!

Dear lord, Help me! Please!

blindness part 1

My blindness is not something I write very exclusively about simply because it’s not really very important. It has shaped my identity, but it’s only a small part of what has made me who I am today. I do believe I’ve experienced a few things I otherwise wouldn’t because of it, such as being a youth delegate for Norway in a youth hearing in the EU parliament. I do consider myself to be one of the lucky blindies. I’ve had parents who’ve raised me well swell as mum and dad2. I’ve always played in the streets like other children, I got involved with fights in the school playgrounds and I cycled on my own. Now I am a very ordinary young woman getting drunk, caring about make-up and the way I look, caring about my flat, cleaning, cooking, making love, the list just goes on. The only times I see my blindness as a problem however and the only times I wish I could see is when someone has the nerve to tell me it limits me in any kind of way, which I believe it doesn’t, and when my mum tells me everything which is wrong about me. Let’s take my mum first. I have to prepare mentally a few days before I am about to see her. Mum did raise me well alright, but with her little baby girl being blind, she thinks it’s easier to shape me into her ideal daughter. I know how mum wants me to look. Nice and stylish, but classic. I dress like that most of the time. It suits me and many people tell me I’m fashionable, so I’m not worried about looking weird. Then my hair. It has to be in a certain way, not too short, not too long, not too straight and not too curly. Then my body. Have I put on weight since I last saw her? All this is very stressing, but it’s worth it. The more “perfect” she thinks I look, the less criticism I’m going to receive when I get home. For example, I was comfort eating in my 1st year at uni. I weighed about 60 kg when I got home which isn’t fat, but more than I’d weighed before. The first thing my mum said when she saw me was, “Hi Angel, you’ve been eating lots of good food this year haven’t you?” I remember going to bed that night crying, disappointed in the welcome I received after six months of not seeing each other.

I thought I was well prepared for when I got home this time. I know the lack of exercising hadn’t done me any good in terms of my figure, although I was at least 5 kg less, I think that 12 lb or something, or about 2 stone, than when I came home after 1st year of uni. My hair I thought looked good and it was nice and shiny after the black hair products A has gotten me into using. I made sure it didn’t look greasy and assuming that five different people wouldn’t lie to me, especially not TG who laughs at people looking just a bit stupid. I thought my clothes were ok and I was all settled to go back. “What have you done to your hair?” was the very first thing she asked me. “It looks horribly dirty.” Then both she and dad who’s very over weight, my dad that is, said they noticed I’d put on weight and that I needed the exercise. I was frankly quite hurt. I really didn’t think different people lied to me about my hair, and I also didn’t think A lied to me when he said I have a gorgeous figure. Then, there are little things such as how I do the dishes, how I put them back in, how I lay the table. Things aren’t to mum’s liking. She even critiqued the mooncup. I’m sure she’s gonna try to get me back to using tampons again, but sorry mum, that aint happening! She makes me tired constantly saying these little things. She even tells me how to eat. “Now you can take another bite, now, put the fork down. Sit back and chew. Enjoy the food.” My blindness is caused by my optic nerve being detached from my brain. This means I can’t see any light or darkness. A person with absolutely no perception doesn’t have the advantages of being able to orientate in a room by focusing on sources of light. I use echo location a fair amount plus I have developed quite good mobility skills over the years. Mum however, still likes comparing me to somebody who can see light. “She’s much better orientating than you,” she said once when I had a friend over who had good light perception and who can work out shapes and shadows. I pointed out that the criticism wasn’t fair as she had those advantages and said that she was lucky that I did as well as I did without any fucking perception. She replied by saying, “I know that having light perception gives you some advantage” a reply that frankly made no sense whatsoever.

I’m writing all this now because it’s been bottling up inside me during the time I’ve spent with her. I moaned to Mad, my long lost friend who’s blind too. Like me, she has no light perception. She’s a semi celebrity in Norway. Her dad was a famous jockey when he lived and she lost her sight in a traffic accident. She, like me is very independent. She’s married, has a little girl and a second child on the way. She’s a marvellous cook and keeps her house clean. She could tell me that her mum was exactly like mum. And when she asked her mum: “Look, everyone’s telling me things look clean and nice. I’ve even had compliments on clothes and things in the house. Then you are the only one coming in telling me it’s not good enough. Shall I trust you or them?” Not very well written, but I hope you get the gist. Her mum answers: “Well, I’m your mother and I want the best for you.” This is just like mum and I. I’m just wondering why they are like that. Do they wanna break us in some kind of way? Maybe it’s the mother thing about feeling not needed after kids have grown up and trying to make us depending on them again? I don’t know. I just know it hurts me and it shouldn’t and I should rise above it, but it’s hard.

We watched a documentary last week about Ben Underwood. The Californian teenager with the fine echo location skills. We = mum, dad and I. At first I hated the documentary. Of course the boy was clever. He skated and cycled around just using echo location and not anything like a cane when he was walking around. “Ben has an independence other blind people can only dream of” the comment woman said at least twice. I wanted to get up and punch the screen. Not that that would have helped, the wide screen TV would be broken and my parents would have been fuming. I know that although my echo location skills might not be as fine as Ben’s, they are still pretty good and I can hear trees, cars, walls and lamp posts, but I use a cane which made me feel less able than him. I sat there knowing both mum and dad thinking “Wish our daughter could be like that.” I felt a little better though when Ben’s arrogance finally made him lose track of where he was and he got a blind mobility teacher to train his echo location skills further, but also teach him how to use a cane. At first Ben didn’t want to hear of it and thought he was champion of the world. He behaved like a little bugger until at the end of the documentary he did start to use a cane. It was good to see blindies like me who were some of the worlds most independent and efficient with mobility use a cane and it made me feel slightly better.

Then, the society. They have so many misconceptions and they think it’s ok to talk to me any time of day just because I’m blind. Too tired to write about that now though, so will continue tomorrow. It feels good to write all this down.

Frustration and confusion

I said I loved Norway when it’s glittering white with snow before and at Christmas time. I also love Norway during the summer. In fact in that season, I think Norway is one of the world’s most beautiful countries. I hate it the rest of the year though, like now. It’s supposed to be spring and the flowers are supposed to peak out from the dirty melting snow. The suns supposed to shine and the temperature’s supposed to be above 0. People are supposed to walk around happily smiling to strangers and sit down for the first out door beer. Wrapped in a thick jacket perhaps, but still let the sun caress their face while they sip their cold drink. I wish! Temperature is at least -2 and the roads are so icy you can’t walk without looking like a 90 year old great grandma with a hip problem! The only entertainment is staying inside someone’s house and drink coffee. Alcohol’s too expensive, *I don’t drink during the day anyway and not on a weeknight really) going out to eat is out of the question because it’s too expensive and waiters look at you if you order a cocktail like San Francisco Fling or Singapore Sling. Well, I was out eating yesterday at TGI Fridays where they happen to have these cocktails because the majority of the staff is Aussies. You actually have to speak English in there which is kind of cool. Anyway, having ordered them, the waiter asked how the heck I knew about them as they don’t sell them in Norway. Knowing the recipes though, they made them especially for me and Len since they’re quite popular in Australia. The food’s expensive too. You can’t get a carton of fresh orange juice for less than £1.50! And this is the country I might be moving back to in a few months?

It’s not fair on poor Norway to curse it like this, but the thought of perhaps having to move just makes me depressed. I’m gonna miss the urban city life, the eating out, the cheap drinks and calling drinks in London cheap just goes to show how expensive Norway is. I’m gonna miss my friends, all the shops and foods they don’t have in England and I can’t bare the thought of having to move away from A now that things might be developing in a positive direction. This is all due to me being stubborn though. If only I was the average graduate interested in charity work, accounting or investment banking, but God didn’t want it that way. I want to be a journalist, a full time one and it does look like I have a much better chance of getting that in Norway, at present anyway. I just pray I get the job I’m going in for an interview for on Friday! If nothing else, it gives me another 7 or 8 months to start hating London so much I might just belonging to go back. My Norwegian contacts respect the organization I’m going to get interviewed by on Friday and said that I should take it if I got it as it is longer than the summer contracts I will get here, and because other opportunities inevitably will come up next year. Ah well, I guess all can do is, if I don’t get the job, cross that bridge when it comes to it and as I believed I’ve said before, if it’s meant to be between me and A, it will be sorted out. We might perhaps both go to Norway for a bit and then go back to the UK, or somewhere else. I think it’s just a matter for me to settle in the trade, get my name known to the right people and then opportunities will open elsewhere. I will also be one of the first blind journalists in Norway, something I’m not going to be too keen on as it will be me educating them on how I work. In the UK I know quite a few who have walked the path before me. You might think being the first one would be a challenge I would enjoy. Having perhaps read my blog for a while, you know that I’m not the kind of person to back off from a challenge, but I was the first blind student in all my schools and my university, so I’ve always been their little testing animal If it comes to a point very soon that I have to move back, I’ll probably, over time, while building up yet another network and getting settled in a job etc. learn to appreciate things about Norway.

I had a nice stay at the cottage. It was nice to see our friends again and we were eating, drinking and talking non stop. The mother in the family told us that she’s known Martine Vik Magnussen, the Norwegian student who got killed in London just before Easter. Martine had worked in the same clothes shop as her during the uni holidays and apparently, she’s a lovely girl. Ellen, the mother had a few texts Martine had sent her, such as Merry Christmas etc. that she has decided to keep after her death.

Yesterday it was back on the exercise bike after all that lovely food. I am starting to get happy with my body shape, but I need another month or so to be truly happy. Afterwards, I went to see Len at her ex’s place. I didn’t know he was her ex, so when he told me he’d married a Romanian guy, I got quite shocked. I knew he was bi, so that it was a man didn’t shock me, just the fact that he’d married while I thought him and Len were going out. After that, Len and I headed to TGI’s were we were gonna meet her very sexy Greek cousin, but he didn’t turn up due to damaging his knee while skiing earlier. It wasn’t serious, but he had to get it fixed immediately. We still had a good evening though.

Break up

I did it two days ago. Break up with KS. I wasn’t going to do it when I did, but it was getting so heavy on my mind I decided it was better to just get it done. He also knew there was something going on, and kept asking if there was something I wanted to talk about.

So, when we got home from work just after midnight on Wednesday, or practically it had turned into Thursday, explained to him how I felt. That the age difference was quite apparent at this time, that we were at different places in our life, that I struggled with the fact that he was clinging to his bad past, allowing it to give him a negative foundation that had influence on things he said and did. How my feelings had not disappeared but rather changed. I said to him that in order for him to be able to keep a relationship going, he needed to stop hating himself, allowing the past to be past and take the silver lining out of his experiences and use it to his advantage. I said that he needed to start loving himself before being able to truly offer someone else good quality love back.

At first he got all dramatic and talked about how he would never ever succeed in lie. How people he had dealt with in the past hated him, had no respect for him and how he didn’t see any point of living now that he was certain he had found true love in me. But after a while, he started listening to what I was saying and even said I had some quite good points that got him thinking. He also said that the way I put it through to him showed him I really did care and that I did respect him. I promised him that when I came back from Norway at the end of this month, (I’m going for 10 days on the 18th) we would have this conversation again and see what would come out of it. Without giving him false hopes, I said that he would have a much better chance of getting back with me, which is what he wants, if he let go of his past and did learn to accept himself. This is true. Who says things will work out with me and Mr A? I hope they will, but I’m not gonna rush it. The good thing about me and him is that we’ve been friends for quite some time before anything even happened. As for KS, we’re at peace and he’s coming down this evening with TG to eat my home made fajitas. I really hope to keep him one of my best friends. I feel a little sad, sorry and down for what has happened, but I think it was the right thing for now.

I think I know now

I have been thinking for a couple of weeks about my love life and I think I have reached my conclusion, and that is that I am falling madly for Mr A. It’s not something I have realised light heartedly, but still it is the truth. The connection between him and me, both physically and mentally, is beyond amazing and we can talk, make love or do both for hours and hours. I can’t stop thinking about him when he’s not there and miss his body next to me when I am in bed at night. I can’t stop wishing I have his body next to me when it’s KS’s. It makes me feel rotten1 I have to tell KS. Not that I’ve had an affair with Mr A, nor that I like him, but I have to break up with him. It’s gonna be hard. I really love and care about this guy, only not quite as a girlfriend, but more as a friend. I want nothing more for him than for him to be successful, happy and find someone else he can care about. I think the problem I have with him as a GF, am that he’s younger than me and can’t give me that same stimulation, neither physically or mentally. He has not undertaken any higher education and like Mr A and myself, isn’t hungry for knowledge of all kinds. He is fun and intelligent and all that, but he doesn’t do it for me in the same way.
He’s gonna be gutted. He worships the ground I walk on and he’ll do anything for me. He’s doing nothing wrong, but I feel as if I’m in control of our relationship to a large degree, because I am older and more experienced with life. Don’t get me wrong, I am not putting myself above him. Give him a few years and he’ll be a superb man! I’m also afraid that he’s gonna think he’s done something wrong towards me. I am afraid he’s gonna drink and smoke himself senseless! I don’t want that for him! I care about him too much for that! I’ve spoken to him indirectly about it. Said tat if it didn’t work out I hope we can be friends because he means a lot to me. I don’t know how to put it to him though. I think, before I go to Norway for Easter, I’ll talk to him about having a break and then take it from there.

Ok, my head is full now. So I’m gonna go think some more. I just wanna curl up in bed and cry and let someone else decide for me. My poor poor KS!