Explainations and clarifications

I please read the previous post before this one.

“I don’t want this to end babes.” These were the last words A said to me in the long phone conversation we had just after I finished working for the evening in Barcelona. It had been a long and hard conversation, but nothing was by no means clear yet. I couldn’t be all open and honest in the middle of a crowd at Hilton, but I said I’d come see him the next day when I came back to London. I felt horrible when I came in the door to my flat. I’d had a very good and amusing night the night before, and I was paying for it. I needed a shower, some food and I wanted to finish listening to the audio letter Mad had sent me. The last few words he’d said had given me a positive boost about the coming conversation, but I was feeling nervous as well. At 8.30 half an hour before I’d decided it was time to go see him, he text me asking if he could come down for a short while. Everything was explained. He’d heard things from Twin A suggesting I was flirty and a little bit slutty at work. I don’t know whether Twin A actually said those words, but what I think it was, was that he twisted it in such a way that A would pick up on it that way. He’d also heard from him that I was planning to announce the relationship at my birthday party, something I hadn’t planned at all. That’s why he hadn’t showed up. Because he’d heard these things, he’d said to Twin A about me that I was nothing but sex to him. To be fair, that’s how it started with both of us, but eventually feelings developed. He said he did have feelings for me, which I actually believe. Had it been just sex, he wouldn’t insist on not having sex a couple of the times we met. He also explained that Nadz, a mutual friend of hours had said something on the night when they chilled in her flat to wait to go to TG’s party. She’d told A he was naive. Naturally, A had thought I had made him the laughing stock at work because I slept with Twin A behind his back. However, what he concluded later was that she’d probably meant that Twin A was twisting the truth a little. The two of them are really clothes, and therefore, she knows him really well.

The whole talk really is very confusing to write down in detail, but we both came clean with what had been said and done, came to the conclusion that the underlying issue in our relationship had been that people had always, for some reason interfered. “At this point in time, I think the best thing we can do is to have a clean slate, not a clean break.” he said to me. “Do you hope we can get back together again?” I asked knowing it sounded childish, but I needed and still need reassurance. “Who knows,” he said. “But you want to right?” “Yeah, I hope we can build something up and be happy with no interference.” During the conversation, I had been sick twice from a terrible headache I’d had. I was feeling numb and tired. I leaned my head against his shoulder. “I’m gonna miss making love to you,” I said taking in the smell of him. The smell I like so much. Incense mixed with aftershave and hair products. He leaned his head on top of mine. “Oh no,” he said with a whisper. We put our arms around each other and sat like that for a long time. It felt so good holding each other. “So, why can’t you use me, just use me for sex?” I asked when we broke apart. “No, not now. I could a couple of months ago, but not now.” “And, not that I have the right to control you, but other women?” “I’ll not tell you unless you hear something and ask me. Then I’ll tell the truth,” he said. “But as the real gentleman I am, I’ll walk you home.” In my doorway we hugged again for a long time. “I’m gonna pray that one day…” I said. “Yeah,” He kissed my hand and I kissed his before he left me alone.

I guess being a woman in love; I’m reading so much more into the conversation than it really was. I mean, if I’m trying to be straight and sensible about this whole thing, we’re friends now and because we both have feelings for each other, it might go back one day to the way it was. We have agreed to try spending a lot of time together, do things so we get all nice and relaxed about each other. I just can’t bare the thought of another woman holding him, making love to him and him doing it to someone else! But I don’t own him. I just pray to God: Please God, make this work. Make this work in the foreseeable future! And it is a prayer I will keep repeating until I get an answer and some certainty one way or another. It pains me that I passed on information to twin A that A had told me about him such as the horrible internet porn thing, and I want nothing more than for A to trust me again. I wanna try building the trust up. And what is a slate? What does that mean? Please someone with better knowledge of English tell me what it means. Does is mean no more? So many unanswered questions. With regards to my job, I don’t know, maybe I should quit the restaurant. There has been too much slander going on about me that I feel comfortable working there, but then I don’t know. Twin A, as I said to A last night, I think the smartest thing I can do is to remain friends with him. I’m not gonna be close to him though. Not open up about my personal life. The two boys are no longer friends. The damage has been too big.

I love you A!

Betrayed!!!!

I don’t even know to begin. I don’t know whether I’m able to write anything sounding like words and sentences at the moment. I’m so angry!! Angrier than I’ve ever been and hopefully will ever be in my entire life. All I wanna do is break everything breakable I possibly have in my flat, harm myself, I don’t fucking care! I need to do something soon or I’ll explode!!!!!!!!

The whole story began on Thursday night. I came home from a shift at work and Twin A had been working with me. I was happy and I was looking forward to seeing A as was planned. I’d built up quite a lot of frustrated feelings over the passed couple of weeks, so when A didn’t answer his phone I got mad. I texted Twin A in frustration since I knew he was awake and explained how I felt. “Go knock on his door,” he replied. I did, but very softly so that I shouldn’t make him grumpy if I woke him up. It was 2 in the morning after all. I called twin A as soon as I got back when I heard no answer. Something in my mind just….. Well, I don’t know I couldn’t see anything clearly and although I’ve said things like, I wanna kill myself in this blog before when I split `up with M, I got this rage over me that I though, I’m gonna do it. I told Twin A what I was up to he came around immediately to take my tablets. He stayed for a while to calm me down. I was fuming, crying calling everyone all sorts of names. Then, when I finally was calm enough to ask him to leave, my doorbell rings and there is A. I opened feeling panicked. Panicked from what I’d just been through emotionally and also guilty because Twin A was in my flat and A thought I cheated on him behind his back. Nothing had happened with me and Twin A still, I just felt guilty. As soon as A saw who was sitting in my living room he said coldly, “You’ve got visitors, that’s cool,” and ran off. Twin A ran after him. I was in shock and stood paralysed on the floor. Then I remembered that I had a very sharp knife in my drawer. Excellent for cutting meat and vegetables with. If A wouldn’t listen, I would simply get it over with my cutting my own throat. I went outside and heard the two guys arguing before A said some final words I couldn’t hear and was gone. Twin A came back, found me with the knife and we had a physical fight which ended in him taking the knife from me, putting it down and carrying me back to my living room where he got me to lay down on the floor. After having laid there for a while he sat and talked to me, telling me all sorts of reasons why I should still be alive, my doorbell rang again and it as A. Him and twin a started to have a fight in my hall and A came in to look for some papers he had lost. I must keep repeating to A that “I never fucked Twin A I don’t fancy him!” “Of course you aint,” he replied sarcastically. Before storming out, he said: 2Don’t worry, I won’t begging around gossiping about you to anyone, how you jump from KS to me to Twin A!”

After that, I had such a bad headache and I felt feverish all over. Twin A made me a cup of mint tea while I got ready for bed. I drank it while he told me all sorts of stuff about A, how nasty he really was, how he used me for sex and a lot more. I cried and cried and cried while he spoke and wrapped the duvet tighter around me. Had I been wrong all along? Was Twin A really the good guy and A the bad one? I told Twin a how I was sorry I avoided him, but I’d heard him and Twin B had a gay relationship together and that they were 20 years older than they pretended to be. I also told him I knew about the sick porn on his computer. He assured me that the age thing was a lay. A didn’t even say that about the age thing. That was fucking TG who I probably will have as little to do with as possible from now on. He said to me that A was the porn freak not him, he just downloaded it for a friend. I knew he was lying about that, but about the age thing, he’s gonna give me his birth certificate so I can get a trusted sighted friend to read it to me. I don’t know though, it could be false. I’ve got no idea how to find this out though. Twin A was gonna sit there until I fell asleep in case I damaged myself from pure anger and shock. 6 AM however, I heard A’s footsteps and then the ringing of my doorbell. From his last visit till then, I heard him walking passed many times. I also made sure to speak loud and clear so that he didn’t think we were having sex, twin A and I. “I’ve come passed here all night and I hoped to catch you by yourself so that we could talk,” he said. “But you know what? He’s still here, so that means you have all the comfort and company you want right now.” Twin A came out and they started to fight again. Louder this time. A tore the sheet he’d hung in front of my window in my door away and went in to look for a DVD he’d forgotten I’d given him back last week. I only remembers bits and pieces of what was said, so I can’t make a constructive account of the fight, but it involved A saying that had Twin A swear that he had never slept with me and that he had lots of personalities and that he was a fake bastard and that he’d heard a lot of our conversation to which I replied that I hoped he had and that I had managed to prove I didn’t sleep with Twin A.

The rest of the day was all text messages and angry exchanges between every party involved. It doesn’t end here though, but I don’t have more energy to write it all now, so I’ll take a break and write later tonight. A explained everything to me when I got back from Barcelona which was a hilarious trip I’ll write about as well. I am angry but I understand a few things now that I didn’t earlier.

Some good sex and a meal to remember

After having tried to reach A for a few days and not managing, I decided to go to his house bringing a DVD he lent me so that I could see for myself whether he was home. It shouldn’t be a big deal to go to someone’s house, but I am a person who like to phone first to make sure the person I wanna see is home, but after having showered and dressed up for the twins birthday dinner, I thought, “fuck this” and went to ring his doorbell. I was wearing a short denim skirt, a black low cut top, high heals and some jewellery mum’s friend in Malaysia makes. My hair was newly washed, I was wearing make-up and I felt good. He opened the door and seeing me put his arms around me and held me for along time. Since he was wearing a coat, I presumed he’d just came in which was right. “You’ve just been so hard to get hold of,” I said angrily my head berried into his shoulder. “I’m really sorry babes,” he said and took me in to his living room where I sat down on the couch. If I should make the party on time, I really had to go. Public transport can be such a pain like that. It can take ages to get anywhere, especially in London. “You look beautiful though,” he said sitting down next to me. “As you always do.” He chatted about what he’d done for the passed few days with family arrangements etc. “It’s ok,” I said always afraid to be a pain, a nag or a burden to anyone. “No, my girl’s been very lonely and she’s missed me, that’s not ok” I just felt like crying. I’ll be getting my period any day now and just before I get it, I get so emotional with hormones anything could probably make me cry.

After some small talk, he picked me up from the couch and carried me to his bed where he put me down gently. “It’s been too long,” he said lying down on top of me. “I’m gonna ruined your make-up now though.” “And I’m gonna have to take a cab,” I laughed. “Or maybe, I can make you go nowhere tonight,” he said and kissed me passionately. After the kiss, he got up and stood watching me. “Can I rape you?” he asked. “Please,” I replied as he started taking my skirt off. My tights and knickers went off too before he quickly undressed and laid on top of me. “You have the honour,” he said. He was rock hard as I rubbed him against me. I was starting to feel wet now, but since it had been long, it took a little pushing before he was in. What amazes me so much about making love to A is the way our bodies just seem to be made for each other. We fit together perfectly.

He started off gently as we held on to each other whispering in each others ears how much we’d missed each other. “I have to make sure you don’t get al sweaty before you go out,” he said and broke away from me to open a window. It felt almost painful in the few seconds he was away and coming back, I wrapped my legs around his shoulders as he got rough on me. “I could fuck you and make love to you for hours,” he whispered. Just before I was about to come, he stopped and told me to get on me knees. He fucked me from behind, his cock rubbing my g-spot to the point where I couldn’t help screaming. I came as he grabbed my breasts and squeezed them hard and bit my shoulder. “On your back girly,” he said and slid out of me. Lying back down, he held my write leg up wile the left one was resting on the bed. I think it was because I had to go for the meal soon that he sped up, and started riding me big time. It didn’t take him long to come in gasps clinging to me. He stayed inside me for a while, the way I like it after an orgasm.” I’m almost knocked out now having not had this for nearly three weeks,” he said laughing.

It was only half an hour till I was supposed to be at London’s west end for the meal and A called me a cab as I combed my hair with my fingers and freshened up my make-up. I only got to the Chinese restaurant 15 minutes late and the family were still waiting for our table. Prince’s brother gave me a cup of Sake, Japanese rice wine which I sipped before we went in. The food was delicious. We ordered many dishes. First there were fried crab, then shrimps, then dumplings, then Peking duck and finally lobster with noodles. I got really full which always seem to happen in Chinese restaurant. I had hoped for some more action with A that night, but the poor guy was asleep when I got home. I’m off to work now and I hope and pray that A won’t be that hard to get hold of when I come back. I need some more of that loving and I’m getting my period on Sunday I think which means another few days of no sex! Besides, I’m going nowhere in the morning, so I’ve got all night.

Le Petit Prince

Yesterday my Friend Le Petit Prince arrived in London. I’ll call him Prince for short. Basically, he’s a very very very rich Egyptian little bloke. I’m not friends with him because of his money, but his family is so rich I honestly don’t think I’ve met any richer in person. Prince is blind like me, but I think he’s got some kind of mental disability. I’m not quite sure, but he seem to have some very moderate autistic tendenses, such as he get hung up on minor things like, a certain time to meet up is getting moved by an hour and so on. If you have a bad day for some minor reasons, like you over slept and got late for a lecture and it was pooring outside, you can trust him to come and ask you three weeks later if you are feeling ok after the bad day. He’s cool though and it’s not like you are talking to a child when you speak to him, but he’ll always need a bit of extra help and care. We all love him to bits though. I got to know him through my ex Dazzler, cause they went to the same school. So Me, Shark, his girlfriend Jayne and my ex Dazzler set out to meet them in Prince’s brother’s apartment not so far from Harrods. Prince’s twinbrother has come out with no disability and he’s quite hot. It was great to see the whole family. For some reason, their parents have taken a shine to me. We had drinks and finger food. Mini bagels, saussage roles, falafel with humus, duck pate, crisps and much more. It was quite chilled and we were just catching up. The parents invited me t join the twins birthday dinner tonight. It’s their 25th, and I’m looking forward to joining them. It was weird to see Dazzler. He’s a nice guy and good looking, but it’s funny how, when you see your ex you wonder what on earth attracted you to them in the first place.

I realise I’m not writing very well at the moment. I’m just impatient and depressed because I’m so bored!!!! Also, I haven’t seen A much lately which is not making things better. God I hate fucking TG and her hunny muffin living together. Not that I wish to do the same after two months of going out as that would probably end up in disaster, but TG, that twofaced bitch! why her? I’m certainly not happy for them. I just realised how childish that sounded, but I’m not deleting it so that I can remind myself what I am like when I’m in a bad mood.

Just a little announcement

Most of you guys probably can’t be bothered with this, but I need to write that TG sent me a text today announcing she’s moved in with her hunny muffin! They’ve only been going out for 2 months, but I wish them fucking good luck! GRRRRR

How a man must feel sometimes

I think I’m beginning to understand how a bloke feels when his girl says no to sex because of that horrendous monthly affair known as the period. And it’s with sex like with everything else. When you know you can’t have it, you start craving it real bad. A is on the second week of his detox diet which also apparently means that sex should be kept to a minimum for the Zink level in your body to get a chance to rise de with your diet. I have read somewhere that the more Zink you have in your body, the better the sex is going to be. If that’s true, then I guess I can wait a little longer although I doubt that sex I already classify as perfect can’t get any better.

Apart from craving some love, I’ve had quite a busy week. It started off on Monday when I was going to eat dinner in the restaurant I work in for the very first time. TG, her man she calls Hunny muffin, MM, E, R, C (girl who works there and last but not least, sincerely yours, had a very good time. It was a Chinese theme to that particular evening. The food was nice, but was more like Chinese food with a western inspiration. We drank quite a bit of Rose wine, but I only got happily tipsy, as did everyone else. Tuesday, I was working, but had the Chinese left overs for staff dinner. Yesterday, A and I went to Argos to get me a TV and a DVD player. I don’t really watch TV all that much, but I think that’s partly because I haven’t had my own and I sometimes wish I could watch a particular documentary or programme everyone else is going on about. In the evening, I went to celebrate HB’s birthday. I haven’t seen him in ages and it was so good to see both him and all the others again. HB was there with Miss C, his girlfriend, HMF with her new man, Baby G and her boyfriend and some other people I know, but not all that well including this huge big Aussie who entertained us with “When I was in prison in Bangkok” and other Asian adventures. That would actually make a good book title, “When I was in prison in Bangkok and other Asian adventures.” We went to a restaurant on a boat which was a Thai restaurant. I was not pleased having food from that part of the world for a third day in a row. I can cope with any kind of food now, just not Chinese or Thai!

Ant came over today to take some more photos. As usual when he’s been around, we ended up chatting and drinking tea. I also received my new Eddirol r-09 recorder and he helped me sort it out. He’d brought some pastries and white chocolate which I thought was really sweet and he told me TG had told me all about my love life before we started taking the photos together. That girl’s really sad! Why can’t she just mind her own business? It didn’t shock me that she’d told him though but I am a little upset about it. God know how many others she’s told! I’m gradually cutting her out of my life now. I can be friends with her, but will never confide in her again.

Gonna spend the rest of the evening to myself I think with a Sara Paretsky book. I’ve started reading her entire V.V. Warshawski series now. She’s a little bit like Sue Grafton, only much better in my opinion. V.I. is just similar to me in so many ways.

Now I know where I stand with A. As he put it the other day, I’m his close friend, his lover and a little bit more. Still I sometimes feel awkward and don’t always know when he’s joking. Like yesterday, my phone was ringing and I didn’t know the number. I checked it quickly, but when I was gonna answer, I somehow pressed the wrong key. He joked about, or at least I think so, that I was hiding something for him and I let him see my log and called the person back. It was a close friend I knew from Edinburgh, a girl so it was fine. It’s just that I feel I have to justify any contact I have with mail individuals. Maybe it’s just a passing stage and that either he will learn to trust me, I will learn to know when he’s joking, or both. I think I’ll have to learn to trust him as well.

Improvements

I’m not gonna say much about this now, but it looks as if things might improve with me and A. We had a long chat yesterday because I had to tell him KS knows everything about me cheating on him. He came around and asked me questions about it. Well, I knew he sort of knew anyway. He hinted to me for some time that he knew I was seeing somebody. I was honest with him to make myself feel better, but also to prove to A that I am an honest person that confesses my mistakes. I spent six hours up in his flat and although he isn’t all that happy about me telling KS how long it had gone on for etc. but I told him I just couldn’t continue lying to him anymore. That after all KS is a good person who doesn’t deserve that much disrespect. He seemed to get the gist. He also told me his reasons to suspect I had cheated on him with Twin A and I am beginning to understand why he could think that. Twin A knew a lot about me that only people who are close to me do. I don’t know where he got all the info from. I suspect TG gave him some and before I found out a lot of shit about him, I talked to him as well. Not about my inner thoughts and feelings, but I thought he just was a normal guy I could be friends with like so many of my other friends. An even kissed me a few times on my face and lips. I don’t wanna keep my hopes up though. I mean, he said he was gonna go over and talk to KS about stuff today. I made it as if I was to blame for all the cheating, that I was the bad person and a said he’d go and take his part of the blame for it. I also let KS know that a thought I’d been cheating on him with Twin A and I’m not all that keen on the two guys talking today. Anyway. I did something terrible to a good guy and now I’m trying to make it right. I just pray, dear God, it won’t end up in a disaster!

Crushed!

I haven’t written for almost a week, but I am in shock of what has happened. When I came back, I did meet A, we had dinner at his place in stead of going out and wild wicked sex and lovemaking. The next day I didn’t see him, but spent the time with TG and Twin A. Next day, I get at ext from a saying we need to talk. He tells me he is in a vulnerable state and that he is afraid that I will unintentionally hurt him. He said it wouldn’t work out between us at this point since I wasn’t quite ready for a long term thing, which I am, at least with him. We talked back and forth and then decided to give it a go and that things would fall in to place. Happy with this, I went home. The next day, we were going to see each other and I was going to spend the night there for the first time. He text me Sunday though and said to me it wouldn’t work out again. He said that since I was so close to Twin A, why couldn’t I give that a try? And wished me good luck with it along with confessing Twin A knew it all. I called Twin A and had a go at him for fucking up mine and A’s relationship. Twin A got pissed off with A and they had a long talk that evening. A had then said to Twin a, that he was gonna mend it all with me, so he came and took me to his flat where we made love, had dinner and listened to music all night until I went home instead of spending the night three respecting the fact he wanted to build things up slowly. Then yesterday, thinking it was all well, we talked through what had been said between him and Twin A. It went well at first, but then he said something about not having liked that I commented that him and Twin A had a similar hair style. I didn’t quite see the problem. I don’t get pissed off if someone, even he would tell me G and I for example had the same hairstyle. I smiled a little to which he responded angrily and said I was taking the piss. That my smile proved my guilt about having had an affair with Twin A.

I can’t remember the details after that. Just that I screamed that I hadn’t done it, that I was sorry one tiny facial expression should fuck it all up and then remembering texting him later. I haven’t slept all night. I tried for a bit, but was dreaming that I had him next to me and that I was stroking his hair, so sleeping wasn’t a good idea. I can’t believe this. His mind is fixed on the fact that I’ve cheated on him and I had a long chat with Twin A, who is as pissed off with it as I am. It’s unfair and whatever I say, I can’t prove it. I’m beyond upset!

Dear lord, Help me! Please!

The past few days

Let me start with my birthday dinner. It all started like it usually does when my friends and I are having a get together, in other words, everyone being late. In this case two people, E and R were on time and I felt bad letting them wait a Leicester square on there own, so I decided to go ahead from Hammersmith where TG, KS and I were waiting for MM. I just thought it better to wait with my own guests. I arrived in Leicester square half an hour after the planned time, but had already informed E and R that I was going to be delayed so they didn’t stand around waiting. Anyway, KS, who didn’t see that some people were with me when they finally arrived at Leicester square had a go at me for being impatient, but shut up quickly when I introduced him to e and R.

When everyone had arrived, we went to pizza express. It was 8 of us. A missing. I tried calling him repeatedly remembering him saying that he was going to come, but he did not answer his phone. I gave up after a while thinking he probably had a good reason for not being there, but was very angry because he didn’t have the decency to call and tell me he couldn’t make it.

The dinner went well. You know what it’s like when you bring a few of your different friends together? Them all knowing you, but you not knowing if they will get on with each other? They all did, and the conversation was lively and friendly. The food was excellent. I had a pizza with Italian sausage, and olives. It was after dinner when the drama began. E and R had left and back in the restaurant were KS, TG, M, MM’s friend H, GH, a colleague from the restaurant and sincerely yours. We were about to leave and we’d all had a few drinks which is quite normal for a birthday dinner. KS was being physical. Wrapping one arm around me when we were talking and calling me hunny, baby and all those names. I didn’t feel comfortable with this, but didn’t say anything as I was gonna go with TG and GH to the restaurant anyway and we were gonna go clubbing from there. TG was gonna say by to her boyfriend who was going on holiday. For reasons I’m not quite sure of, I think it was because MM went the wrong way from the restaurant and TG didn’t wanna wait around, TG and GH left rather quickly and I was stuck with H, MM and KS. Now I was really starting to feel uncomfortable about the fact that KS was holding me and I took a step back to which he responded by stepping after me. I said politely that I really needed my own physical space and could he please give that to me? Not being on very good terms with my ex at the moment I very soon lost patience with him. I had repeated myself a few times and I was starting to get annoyed by his soppy behaviour. As I’ve mentioned before, I am not the most pleasant person to be around when I’m angry. A few drinks and the fact that the person my anger was aimed at was my ex didn’t make it any better. I can’t quite remember what I said, but I did say a few things that made KS switch. I have never seen anyone that mad in my entire life. I thought for a second he was going to kill me with his bare hands, but instead he chose to almost break the glass wall of the building we were leaning up against. MM had to calm him down and H had to assure me that he wasn’t gonna harm me in any way. A thing KS also had done to make me angry was to state that all Jamaican guys are players and he added, even guys like A.
After KS had calmed down from calling me lovely names like S L U T and telling everyone who cared to listen how I was “So below his league” and after I felt assured nothing was going to happen, we got on the tube. I must admit I wasn’t exactly at my best behaviour repeating how bloody unfair it was that TG had disappeared like that and how I wanted to go clubbing since it was my birthday dinner. I was thinking about how much fun TG probably had clubbing with our French colleagues. At Hammersmith things didn’t go so well between me and MM. MM bluntly told me how I was all wrong and KS was all right in what had happened, since I hurt him, he had the right to react the way he did. However, since I didn’t let him hold me and talk to me like I was still his GF, I didn’t have the right to tell him off. Well, that’s at least how I saw it then. MM also managed to start a disability related discussion and got pissed off with me when I said that only the disabled people who could present themselves well should be let out in the public and left, but he gave me a hug, so we might still be friends. Obviously I didn’t mean that, but my relationship to everything disability related is rather complex. We met TG and Twin A when H Ks and I got to the bust stop to go home. TG hadn’t been out clubbing because she was in a bad mood. Still sulking because I had to go home, I got on the bus, next to Ks who had apologized but still annoyed me. I had apologized to him as well. The good thing was, when I came home I fell asleep almost straight away. I’ll just focus on that first part of the night when I think back, because that was a good one.

The next day, I finally got hold of A. He apologized for not having contacted me, but said he had changed his mind last minute as KS was gonna be there and he didn’t feel comfortable. I was cool with that, but did tell him to never ignore me like that again and at least leave a message or phone call if he couldn’t or wouldn’t keep an appointment. He made up for it though. That evening, he picked me up in a cab and we went for a 6 or 7 or something courses Chinese meal which was delicious. We had wine and after the meal he came and sat next to me in the restaurant as opposed to opposite me which was what he had done all that night. We were full after the crispy duck, sizzling beef, sweet and sour chicken, special fried rice, crispy seaweed, prone crackers, and all the other dishes, so he just sat there holding me and giving me compliments. In order not to be seen together by KS or his brother, we had to say goodbye to each other at the bus stop near where I live and the cab took me to my gate.

Yesterday was the last day before I was travelling to Norway for my Easter break. I worked, luckily only one sitting, because one of the other waiters managed to spill red wine all over the starters I was gonna give out so I was very delayed. When I got home, A came around to say goodbye. We sat on my bed holding each other and talking. Both of us wanted to make love, but decided to wait till I came back to make it more special. He was wearing a golden necklaisse that night. It was thick and heavy with an Egyptian styled cross dangling from it. The kind of crosses which are circular on top. He had had this especially made for himself, so on the cross was a figure of Christ. It was beautiful and he honoured me by letting me try it on. The gold was cool and heavy around my neck. I pressed the cross against my heart, knowing that this was a piece of jewellery he valued a lot.

This morning I had to get at 04.30. After confirming that the taxi I had ordered wasn’t going to arrive, I phoned another company, and by 05.30 I had a cab. I got to Liverpool street station before the morning rush hour began and got to Stanstead an hour before my flight was due to depart. Perfect timing. Being at home is nice, although I always have mixed feelings about seeing my mum. She gives me the feeling of being a failure, because I don’t do things exactly her way. I buy the wrong food brands, soap brands, washing up liquid brands etc. And she loves finding things to criticize me for, my hair, my clothes, you name it. I really should get used to it, but it gets to me every time. Ah well, in 9 days, she’ll have shaped me back to who she wants me to be and it will only take a few days to become myself again when I get back to London.
On a light note, a large media company is interested in me and I’m having a job interview in 10 days. I don’t wanna hope so much this time in case I get disappointed. It’s for a communications assistant role.

Some angels have chocolate coloured skin, kinky hair and soft lips

I wanna say that I’m in love, but I wanna be careful saying things too quickly in case things will go wrong. I can say though, that I am falling madly. It’s slowly and controlled though to the extent falling madly for somebody can be slow and controlled. I just don’t want to get hurt again. Mr A, or A as I’ll call him from now on has everything I could dream of in a potential long term partner. He has the brains, the humour, the personality, the looks, the cooking skills, the music taste, the cock… did I just say that? Anyway, a lot that I would want as a long term partner and, I know I get carried away by saying this, but as a potential father for my future children. I love his soft skin and the way he smells. The way he talks to me when we’re making love. Sometimes with the words of a lover and sometimes the way he’d talk to a slutty bitch. He came over last night as he has done so many nights this last month. After hours of lovemaking, we finished off the Thornton’s chocolate he got me for Valentine and then, for the first time, fell asleep in each others arms. I remember thanking God for giving me this beautiful beautiful man and praying that it would be right this time before falling asleep with my head on his shoulder. I woke up before him, just listening to his quiet breathing while stroking his kinky hair. He hugged me tight and kissed me first thing when he woke up. “I’ll call you babes,” he said before disappearing quietly out the door leaving me longing for him.

Things with KS are not as bad as they could have been. KS is mad at me, but he keeps it inside and we’re at peace with each other. Hopefully we can make good friends in the future. The guy’s still young and will find someone who loves him for exactly who he is, which I do, but as a friend.

No plans for today except from filling in a couple of application forms for TV jobs and then my bible study group in the evening. Only 7 days till I go to Norway. It’s gonna be fun!