Protected: Thoughts of you

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

Happy Birthday to me!

Happy Birthday to me folks! Also, a very happy new year to the Iranians and a happy mother’s day for the Arab women blessed with Children. Happy women’s day to all Nigerian women, make sure you take over that country!

So it’s my 23rd birthday, and for the first time in four years, I’m spending it at home. Mum is downstairs baking a cake for me and I’m soon gonna go out to lunch with my cousin Irene. After that I believe I’ll have a quiet day, dinner with my family and little else, but I’m happy with that.
Apart from being totally lost in one of the better crime novels I’ve ever read, Snømannen, or The snowman by Jo Nesbø, I have undergone a form of torture best known as exercising. As I’ve mentioned previously, I’m not very happy with not having the means to do a decent work out. I find gyms too expensive and although I am one of the more independent blind people I know, I can’t really go for a random run in the park unless there has been a little bit of route planning before hand. I don’t have a dedicated running partner either, so every day; I have dragged myself out with mum and our neighbour VV, twice a day for a power walk. Once in the morning and once in the evening. I love to feel my body slowly shaping up again, but I am aching all over. Last night there was a heavy snowfall, so I decided to stay inside today and had a long ride on our exercise bike instead. I weigh around 55 kg, approximately 125 lb, and wanna lose 3/5 kg, but don’t ask me how many lb that is. Anyway, it’s not really that interesting to the general public how much I weigh. I’m not over weight though, not by any stretch of the imagination as I’m a European size 34, UK size 8 and US size 4. It’s got more to do with body shape than going down a size which I won’t anyway. Oh my god, I sound like an obsessive, but then maybe I am. I’m so glad I got my step back in London now so that I can keep up whatever fitness I get while here.
Tomorrow we are gonna go stay with some family friends we’ve known since just after I was born. They have a luxurious cottage in the mountains and they are very nice people. They have two daughters, but only the eldest, who’s 3 years older than me will be there. I believe it will be a lot of fancy foods and wines, their speciality and probably a lot of exercising, walking in the mountains in snow. Most Norwegian families with respect for themselves have either got a cottage, a caravan, a boat or two or three of the above mentioned. We’ve got none, but that doesn’t really bother me as we rent these things should we want them and my family2 have a lovely cottage.

I didn’t get that many presents today. Dad’s gonna by me a GPS, which’s gonna give me so much independence and I got a few things from my London friends. The best thing though is, Out of all the texts I’ve received today wishing me a great day, and A sent the first one!

Fear

I’m enjoying a break away from London, but I’m a little scared too. I’m worried KS is somehow going to find out about me and A and that I’m going to come back to a disaster which I really don’t think I can handle now. I just hope and pray that it will be all ok when I get back, that A and I are going for the weekend away we have been talking about. That A still wanna see me and possibly be with me!

The past few days

Let me start with my birthday dinner. It all started like it usually does when my friends and I are having a get together, in other words, everyone being late. In this case two people, E and R were on time and I felt bad letting them wait a Leicester square on there own, so I decided to go ahead from Hammersmith where TG, KS and I were waiting for MM. I just thought it better to wait with my own guests. I arrived in Leicester square half an hour after the planned time, but had already informed E and R that I was going to be delayed so they didn’t stand around waiting. Anyway, KS, who didn’t see that some people were with me when they finally arrived at Leicester square had a go at me for being impatient, but shut up quickly when I introduced him to e and R.

When everyone had arrived, we went to pizza express. It was 8 of us. A missing. I tried calling him repeatedly remembering him saying that he was going to come, but he did not answer his phone. I gave up after a while thinking he probably had a good reason for not being there, but was very angry because he didn’t have the decency to call and tell me he couldn’t make it.

The dinner went well. You know what it’s like when you bring a few of your different friends together? Them all knowing you, but you not knowing if they will get on with each other? They all did, and the conversation was lively and friendly. The food was excellent. I had a pizza with Italian sausage, and olives. It was after dinner when the drama began. E and R had left and back in the restaurant were KS, TG, M, MM’s friend H, GH, a colleague from the restaurant and sincerely yours. We were about to leave and we’d all had a few drinks which is quite normal for a birthday dinner. KS was being physical. Wrapping one arm around me when we were talking and calling me hunny, baby and all those names. I didn’t feel comfortable with this, but didn’t say anything as I was gonna go with TG and GH to the restaurant anyway and we were gonna go clubbing from there. TG was gonna say by to her boyfriend who was going on holiday. For reasons I’m not quite sure of, I think it was because MM went the wrong way from the restaurant and TG didn’t wanna wait around, TG and GH left rather quickly and I was stuck with H, MM and KS. Now I was really starting to feel uncomfortable about the fact that KS was holding me and I took a step back to which he responded by stepping after me. I said politely that I really needed my own physical space and could he please give that to me? Not being on very good terms with my ex at the moment I very soon lost patience with him. I had repeated myself a few times and I was starting to get annoyed by his soppy behaviour. As I’ve mentioned before, I am not the most pleasant person to be around when I’m angry. A few drinks and the fact that the person my anger was aimed at was my ex didn’t make it any better. I can’t quite remember what I said, but I did say a few things that made KS switch. I have never seen anyone that mad in my entire life. I thought for a second he was going to kill me with his bare hands, but instead he chose to almost break the glass wall of the building we were leaning up against. MM had to calm him down and H had to assure me that he wasn’t gonna harm me in any way. A thing KS also had done to make me angry was to state that all Jamaican guys are players and he added, even guys like A.
After KS had calmed down from calling me lovely names like S L U T and telling everyone who cared to listen how I was “So below his league” and after I felt assured nothing was going to happen, we got on the tube. I must admit I wasn’t exactly at my best behaviour repeating how bloody unfair it was that TG had disappeared like that and how I wanted to go clubbing since it was my birthday dinner. I was thinking about how much fun TG probably had clubbing with our French colleagues. At Hammersmith things didn’t go so well between me and MM. MM bluntly told me how I was all wrong and KS was all right in what had happened, since I hurt him, he had the right to react the way he did. However, since I didn’t let him hold me and talk to me like I was still his GF, I didn’t have the right to tell him off. Well, that’s at least how I saw it then. MM also managed to start a disability related discussion and got pissed off with me when I said that only the disabled people who could present themselves well should be let out in the public and left, but he gave me a hug, so we might still be friends. Obviously I didn’t mean that, but my relationship to everything disability related is rather complex. We met TG and Twin A when H Ks and I got to the bust stop to go home. TG hadn’t been out clubbing because she was in a bad mood. Still sulking because I had to go home, I got on the bus, next to Ks who had apologized but still annoyed me. I had apologized to him as well. The good thing was, when I came home I fell asleep almost straight away. I’ll just focus on that first part of the night when I think back, because that was a good one.

The next day, I finally got hold of A. He apologized for not having contacted me, but said he had changed his mind last minute as KS was gonna be there and he didn’t feel comfortable. I was cool with that, but did tell him to never ignore me like that again and at least leave a message or phone call if he couldn’t or wouldn’t keep an appointment. He made up for it though. That evening, he picked me up in a cab and we went for a 6 or 7 or something courses Chinese meal which was delicious. We had wine and after the meal he came and sat next to me in the restaurant as opposed to opposite me which was what he had done all that night. We were full after the crispy duck, sizzling beef, sweet and sour chicken, special fried rice, crispy seaweed, prone crackers, and all the other dishes, so he just sat there holding me and giving me compliments. In order not to be seen together by KS or his brother, we had to say goodbye to each other at the bus stop near where I live and the cab took me to my gate.

Yesterday was the last day before I was travelling to Norway for my Easter break. I worked, luckily only one sitting, because one of the other waiters managed to spill red wine all over the starters I was gonna give out so I was very delayed. When I got home, A came around to say goodbye. We sat on my bed holding each other and talking. Both of us wanted to make love, but decided to wait till I came back to make it more special. He was wearing a golden necklaisse that night. It was thick and heavy with an Egyptian styled cross dangling from it. The kind of crosses which are circular on top. He had had this especially made for himself, so on the cross was a figure of Christ. It was beautiful and he honoured me by letting me try it on. The gold was cool and heavy around my neck. I pressed the cross against my heart, knowing that this was a piece of jewellery he valued a lot.

This morning I had to get at 04.30. After confirming that the taxi I had ordered wasn’t going to arrive, I phoned another company, and by 05.30 I had a cab. I got to Liverpool street station before the morning rush hour began and got to Stanstead an hour before my flight was due to depart. Perfect timing. Being at home is nice, although I always have mixed feelings about seeing my mum. She gives me the feeling of being a failure, because I don’t do things exactly her way. I buy the wrong food brands, soap brands, washing up liquid brands etc. And she loves finding things to criticize me for, my hair, my clothes, you name it. I really should get used to it, but it gets to me every time. Ah well, in 9 days, she’ll have shaped me back to who she wants me to be and it will only take a few days to become myself again when I get back to London.
On a light note, a large media company is interested in me and I’m having a job interview in 10 days. I don’t wanna hope so much this time in case I get disappointed. It’s for a communications assistant role.

A woman in love

I’ve just been on a wonderful date with A. We went to this Chinese place and had so much food we had to ask for a take-away as we didn’t wanna let that delicious food go to waste. We had such a greattime together and, we were holding hands! We’ve not done that before, so it felt great!

Yesterday was interesting, but I’m so full and tired that I don’t have energy to write the full story now. I’m justfeeling great and happy and admired right now! Dear God, please let it work out with me and A please!

Upbeat

I’ve been really angry for the last few days for several reasons. The main one was because I was deeply insulted yesterday by someone who thinks he’s so much better than the rest of the world just because he’s got money and an accent which is so posh it’s surreal! Basically, he works for this company helping young visually impaired graduates finding work. Yesterday he asked me to write a fund raising article for them in an hour. With absolutely no information, and not much time to find anything, let alone without any knowledge of how to convince people to give you money I sat down with my task. I’ve written case studies for charities before, but that’s a little bit different although case studies often serve the same purpose. I didn’t feel confident at all, and therefore concentrated a lot more on the language rather than the words. Surprisingly enough, (not) it turned out horrible and Posh bastard sat there for an eternity telling me how bad my writing skills were and that with my poor English, I could just dream of ever getting a top job in a newspaper or other well known publication. When I wrote my first ever news article in my first ever print journalism workshop at uni, the tutor told me my writing was shite. Obviously, being 19 and thinking I was the best writer in the world, well, not quite, but you know what I mean, I wasn’t happy to hear that. Was an alcoholised grumpy old Scot telling me I couldn’t write? Well, I had to prove him wrong didn’t I? Basically that comment put me in place. I realised I wasn’t the world’s new George Orwell or John Pilger, at least not unless I accepted that fact and started working my way up from where I was. Without being big headed I dare say my writing skills aren’t that horrible. The magazine I handed in piece to a couple of weeks ago has already asked for more and I’ve released articles elsewhere as well. I’m also due to do some freelance work for another magazine. Don’t you think the magazines I’ve written for would turn me down had my English skills been that poor? I guess I can improve, but my English is bloody fucking good considering it’s not my first language, although it feels like it now since I speak it all the time. I wasn’t gonna sit there and receive unfair criticism, but being the way I am when I get angry, the first words that popped out of me were,” Well I’d rather speak and write the way I do now than having your horrendous posh accent which sounds ridiculouss anyway.” I know, not the most thought through and grown-up answer I could have come with, but the prick laughed and said, “Oh, good, she’s fighting back,” to which I just sat there fists clenched under the table. “Anyway, he continued this is very bad, well; let me correct myself, not very bad, just bad. And you are going to get fired if you write like this in a newspaper. You have to learn to take bad criticism.” Do I have to accept people talking like this to me? Someone who doesn’t even know me that well and who slags off everyone anyway? I can take a bit of criticism. I’ve had work I’ve been proud of torn up and chucked out the window before. It’s not like I can’t take it, but usually it has been more constructive than what PBP, posh bastard prick came out with yesterday. I chose not to respond to the last little lecture, knowing that I’d either end up hitting him, or break something in the room. When I get angry, it doesn’t last more than a few minutes and I usually forget why I was angry once it’s over, but the intensity of my anger is scary even to me. In the few minutes I am angry, I better not talk or interact with anyone in any way, because I always say offensive things I don’t mean which can hurt others. I can also get physical, but not towards people. When I was a child for example. I used to throw my toys around my room when I got angry, but I’ve more or less learned to control my physical anger now and try to go for a walk or something in stead to wear it off.

The other times I’ve been angry this week, have been connected to A. Him and have sat down and talked about where we want things to go. Basically, we wanna get to know each other as well as possible, each others good and bad sides before we consider ourselves a couple. Something I am impatient about, but deep down I think it’s very sensible if the relationship should have a chance of lasting. But the process will inevitably be very hard emotionally. A being very tired the other day, said to me that he could see me and twin a get together which really hurt me. After saying that “Haha, that’s not a very funny joke,” and after him repeating it and saying, “yes, it’s true I really can se it,” I got one of my bad angry fits and said I’d never go out with someone who was 20 years my senior, regularly had a cock up his bum hole from his gay lover and who was a twisted n!gg3r! The last word I never use, ever ever ever. I think its degrading black people and the majority of my friends in London are black. I guess I just said it to get my point across properly. Anyway, a wasn’t happy I’d used that word and after a very heated discussion he said sorry and that he was just tired. The next day he said what he said had hurt him too. Writing it all down, I am beginning to think his idea was sensible. Let’s clear disagreements to see if we can work.

On a much lighter note, I’m having my birthday dinner tonight. My actual birthday is on the 21st of this month, but it’s Good Friday plus I’m gonna be in Norway, so decided to have it today. We’re gonna be 8 people, hopefully a couple more will come, but it will be a small nice party I think. MM was so kind and booked a table at a restaurant in Leicester Square. I’m quite sad a couple of friends of mine couldn’t make it due to other engagements, but I know they would have been there if they could. Afterwards, I hope to go clubbing since I haven’t been in ages! I have a feeling it’s gonna be a good night!!

Some angels have chocolate coloured skin, kinky hair and soft lips

I wanna say that I’m in love, but I wanna be careful saying things too quickly in case things will go wrong. I can say though, that I am falling madly. It’s slowly and controlled though to the extent falling madly for somebody can be slow and controlled. I just don’t want to get hurt again. Mr A, or A as I’ll call him from now on has everything I could dream of in a potential long term partner. He has the brains, the humour, the personality, the looks, the cooking skills, the music taste, the cock… did I just say that? Anyway, a lot that I would want as a long term partner and, I know I get carried away by saying this, but as a potential father for my future children. I love his soft skin and the way he smells. The way he talks to me when we’re making love. Sometimes with the words of a lover and sometimes the way he’d talk to a slutty bitch. He came over last night as he has done so many nights this last month. After hours of lovemaking, we finished off the Thornton’s chocolate he got me for Valentine and then, for the first time, fell asleep in each others arms. I remember thanking God for giving me this beautiful beautiful man and praying that it would be right this time before falling asleep with my head on his shoulder. I woke up before him, just listening to his quiet breathing while stroking his kinky hair. He hugged me tight and kissed me first thing when he woke up. “I’ll call you babes,” he said before disappearing quietly out the door leaving me longing for him.

Things with KS are not as bad as they could have been. KS is mad at me, but he keeps it inside and we’re at peace with each other. Hopefully we can make good friends in the future. The guy’s still young and will find someone who loves him for exactly who he is, which I do, but as a friend.

No plans for today except from filling in a couple of application forms for TV jobs and then my bible study group in the evening. Only 7 days till I go to Norway. It’s gonna be fun!

Break up

I did it two days ago. Break up with KS. I wasn’t going to do it when I did, but it was getting so heavy on my mind I decided it was better to just get it done. He also knew there was something going on, and kept asking if there was something I wanted to talk about.

So, when we got home from work just after midnight on Wednesday, or practically it had turned into Thursday, explained to him how I felt. That the age difference was quite apparent at this time, that we were at different places in our life, that I struggled with the fact that he was clinging to his bad past, allowing it to give him a negative foundation that had influence on things he said and did. How my feelings had not disappeared but rather changed. I said to him that in order for him to be able to keep a relationship going, he needed to stop hating himself, allowing the past to be past and take the silver lining out of his experiences and use it to his advantage. I said that he needed to start loving himself before being able to truly offer someone else good quality love back.

At first he got all dramatic and talked about how he would never ever succeed in lie. How people he had dealt with in the past hated him, had no respect for him and how he didn’t see any point of living now that he was certain he had found true love in me. But after a while, he started listening to what I was saying and even said I had some quite good points that got him thinking. He also said that the way I put it through to him showed him I really did care and that I did respect him. I promised him that when I came back from Norway at the end of this month, (I’m going for 10 days on the 18th) we would have this conversation again and see what would come out of it. Without giving him false hopes, I said that he would have a much better chance of getting back with me, which is what he wants, if he let go of his past and did learn to accept himself. This is true. Who says things will work out with me and Mr A? I hope they will, but I’m not gonna rush it. The good thing about me and him is that we’ve been friends for quite some time before anything even happened. As for KS, we’re at peace and he’s coming down this evening with TG to eat my home made fajitas. I really hope to keep him one of my best friends. I feel a little sad, sorry and down for what has happened, but I think it was the right thing for now.

I think I know now

I have been thinking for a couple of weeks about my love life and I think I have reached my conclusion, and that is that I am falling madly for Mr A. It’s not something I have realised light heartedly, but still it is the truth. The connection between him and me, both physically and mentally, is beyond amazing and we can talk, make love or do both for hours and hours. I can’t stop thinking about him when he’s not there and miss his body next to me when I am in bed at night. I can’t stop wishing I have his body next to me when it’s KS’s. It makes me feel rotten1 I have to tell KS. Not that I’ve had an affair with Mr A, nor that I like him, but I have to break up with him. It’s gonna be hard. I really love and care about this guy, only not quite as a girlfriend, but more as a friend. I want nothing more for him than for him to be successful, happy and find someone else he can care about. I think the problem I have with him as a GF, am that he’s younger than me and can’t give me that same stimulation, neither physically or mentally. He has not undertaken any higher education and like Mr A and myself, isn’t hungry for knowledge of all kinds. He is fun and intelligent and all that, but he doesn’t do it for me in the same way.
He’s gonna be gutted. He worships the ground I walk on and he’ll do anything for me. He’s doing nothing wrong, but I feel as if I’m in control of our relationship to a large degree, because I am older and more experienced with life. Don’t get me wrong, I am not putting myself above him. Give him a few years and he’ll be a superb man! I’m also afraid that he’s gonna think he’s done something wrong towards me. I am afraid he’s gonna drink and smoke himself senseless! I don’t want that for him! I care about him too much for that! I’ve spoken to him indirectly about it. Said tat if it didn’t work out I hope we can be friends because he means a lot to me. I don’t know how to put it to him though. I think, before I go to Norway for Easter, I’ll talk to him about having a break and then take it from there.

Ok, my head is full now. So I’m gonna go think some more. I just wanna curl up in bed and cry and let someone else decide for me. My poor poor KS!

Busy week

I haven’t written for a few days because there has been absolutely nothing to write about. I’ve been busy, but nothing special has happened. After the dinner with KS and Mr. A, Mr. A and I sent a lot of dirty texts to each other. I have to see that guy again soon. I’m going mad! Tuesday I went to my Christian bible study group for the first time which was nice, so I’m definitely going back there next week. Yesterday, KS came with me to the restaurant because he wants a job there as well. He did fine, but I managed to get the wrong starter for a girl who couldn’t eat shellfish and managed to get gravy in another girls hair when her boyfriend didn’t take the plate I offered him. None of them were my fault really, but still embarrassing. Today, I went with TG to the chemist to get her morning after pill. She’s started dating this French guy who works at the restaurant too. He’s really sweet. A little quiet though. Later today, HMF came over for dinner and KS and I made her jerk chicken with rice and peas and plantin.

Ok, this is probably the most boring post I’ve written in a while. Got my article done today. It’s a 570 word piece for a magazine called Disability now where I write about how disabled people find work in Norway. I’ll get £125 for it. I was also asked today to do some voice over work. How cool’s that!